Time to chiong.
Time to set my heart to things.
Time to put all other factors aside.
I'm still the same person, okay?
there is not a resolution that i can't do
Sunday, January 04, 2009
and it begins
This is 2009.
Posted at 9:38 PM
Sunday, December 28, 2008
spiral
Nicole is in another spiral again.
Nicole enjoys talking in third person (for a while only).
It is some form of detachment, she thinks.
Oh, you say that's not good?
Oops.
Nicole thinks that all spirals have a staircase anyway.
She thinks she sees the staircase over there.
She walks towards it.
So close, yet so far.
She climbs the steps; as lactic acid burns through every inch of her body.
Nicole is tired.
Nicole then smiles (not creepily, though. Now that would be scary).
Because God is always with her and she will press on.
Towards a new year.
With new trials and temptations
and new hopes.
Nicole hopes that she will not trip again.
Nicole thanks God for picking her up each time
the people along the way who helped
the people who created the things which helped
the music; the words; the sights
Nicole wants to listen to God more
and grow in Him each day
though the world around her may quake
and mountains fall into the heart of the sea
She will cling on.
Nicole will do what God wants her to
no matter how hard it may seem
or at least, will try her best to.
Especially about those few things.
Nicole is going to return to the
heart of worship
and will no longer be detached from reality.
I say: God's name be praised! :D
Posted at 7:56 PM
Nicole enjoys talking in third person (for a while only).
It is some form of detachment, she thinks.
Oh, you say that's not good?
Oops.
Nicole thinks that all spirals have a staircase anyway.
She thinks she sees the staircase over there.
She walks towards it.
So close, yet so far.
She climbs the steps; as lactic acid burns through every inch of her body.
Nicole is tired.
Nicole then smiles (not creepily, though. Now that would be scary).
Because God is always with her and she will press on.
Towards a new year.
With new trials and temptations
and new hopes.
Nicole hopes that she will not trip again.
Nicole thanks God for picking her up each time
the people along the way who helped
the people who created the things which helped
the music; the words; the sights
Nicole wants to listen to God more
and grow in Him each day
though the world around her may quake
and mountains fall into the heart of the sea
She will cling on.
Nicole will do what God wants her to
no matter how hard it may seem
or at least, will try her best to.
Especially about those few things.
Nicole is going to return to the
heart of worship
and will no longer be detached from reality.
I say: God's name be praised! :D
Saturday, December 27, 2008
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
forget it.
please?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
apologies and condolences go hand in hand
I can't think of names of the top of my mind, but I can rewind time in the deep dredges of, well, my mind, and find people I owe apologies to. I have no idea why; but some of these people, I owe them a lot.
Posted at 11:24 PM
Some are, or were, my friends. Perhaps now we are mere acquaintances. Some may have given a lot to me in the friendship, but I let it slide away. I might not have clicked so well with said person(s), but I guess pushing her away wasn't exactly.. good. (Oops, I revealed it's a her. Well, okay whatever.)
Others would include people close to me that I've unwittingly hurt. Family, perhaps? Okay, well yes I have. I admit that.
I've hurt many others with.. calloused ways? I know I have pride. Ironically sounding, that's not something that I'm proud of. But I'm not all that aware of it, and when that fault shows, I don't realize it either. And that's something that must change.
Have I hurt you? In any way?
Please tell me.
And I'm really sorry.
No matter who you are.
Even if you somehow think I hate you to bits now or something.
Because I don't.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Rhema 2008
Before typing the actual content of this post, I sat right here at my computer. I stared at the white blank of the screen, at my diary lying in front of me, and a certain little piece of paper. I wondered (okay, am wondering) where to begin about Rhema 2008, and what should come in here (Why don't I lock my blog again?). Well yeah, I have an old fashioned notebook diary for a reason.
Hmm. The little piece of paper. I wrote on that piece of paper sometime last night. You probably wouldn't understand it if you read it though. It's... everything that had happened during Rhema. Happenings, my thoughts and reflections and revelations and actions and hesitations and .. yeah. All in little sentences that only make sense to me.
-actual content begins-
I came to Rhema with a heavy heart to begin with, and I didn't know what was the cause of that. This was for pretty long actually, since 23 Nov. (Yes, I remember the exact date.) I kept asking why I felt like that. All about ME, and I. And I couldn't chase that away.
Rhema led me to realise exactly how selfish I was. ME, and I. A relationship with God is not meant to be simply accepting Him just like that, and taking his unconditional love without giving anything at all. His amazing, everlasting love; no return. But that's exactly what I did.
Love is giving. God is worthy of all our love and more, because He is EVERYTHING. God IS love. Unreasonable love.
So now, I shall not focus inwards like this. I'll direct love outwards. I will love God more than ever before with a fire that keeps on burning; I'll shepherd His sheep; I'll be a fisher for men. So, God, I pray you help me with all that, for your glory.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
burn like a fire
she burns like a fire despite these rains
I'm no concrete, or at least I'll fall over and
break. I am, rather I will; be her who
burns brightly with an eternal flame
blindingly. You will have to
close your eyes and peer through
reddened eyelids. Heavily lidded.
Unfazed. She is not in any state or
form that's recognisable. He is contorted,
contorting into shapes. Being neither
here nor there nor even anywhere at all.
But even clouds make for storylines.
We and they blend in a masquerade-ish
mass of colour and sounds. We hide. They
follow the rules, successfully. But we still know
who's behind each mask and seek to
uncover and recover. Are our own
masks off yet?
Posted at 12:13 AM
I'm no concrete, or at least I'll fall over and
break. I am, rather I will; be her who
burns brightly with an eternal flame
blindingly. You will have to
close your eyes and peer through
reddened eyelids. Heavily lidded.
Unfazed. She is not in any state or
form that's recognisable. He is contorted,
contorting into shapes. Being neither
here nor there nor even anywhere at all.
But even clouds make for storylines.
We and they blend in a masquerade-ish
mass of colour and sounds. We hide. They
follow the rules, successfully. But we still know
who's behind each mask and seek to
uncover and recover. Are our own
masks off yet?
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Back. Miss me?
I'm back.
Posted at 10:36 AM
I just touched down around 6.30 am, got back home, and turned on the stupid computer within half an hour. As there is a 7 hour time difference between Singapore and Europe (Singapore being ahead), it's currently 10.37 am now but 3.37 am there. That, coupled with a 12 hour long flight, has resulted in extreme tiredness and hungryness. Oops.. what's the word.. hunger. Yea. I think I last ate about 12 hours ago on the plane.
I bet if you're reading this in time you're tsk-ing and probably gonna try to convince me to get me to sleep (okay, some of you can't if you're overseas). [Convince-me-to-rest-count: 1 (Jack)]
But I really can't. My stupid body is being very convincing indeed, in trying to get me to my bed; but right now my mind and heart and soul and anything else is needing the computer to write. I've written a poem right before I left, for my birthday, the first in the series to come. So, I just got the chance to put it down now.
It's a little hard to do though. You know that feeling? You get the urge, the inspiration, to write something, or create something. You do it, wholly stuck in that sole thought, that mindset, that emotion. It's strong, and that's exactly what moves your creation along. It makes the words flow out by themselves. It's crude though; like the water in the river at the start, surging roughly and powerfully along, but swinging wildly around sharp rocks jutting out. You finish it, or not. You put it aside, making a little mental note to come back to it, because it's just so important. Fast forward to a while later, be it a long or short while. You open up that slightly dusty box of your creation, hoping to do exactly what you planned. It's all set, really. Just one problem: the water is at the lower course by then. It's the same water, but not as strong. Or that water has simply gotten over the initial reason for the surge, and the river has dried up. Or a drought had hit it. It's alright though, you continue. Editing, creating, continuing. It's alright, really. It's more refined, actually. But more controlled.
Whoah, I rambled a little about that, didn't I? Where was I?
Right, the writing. (Write, right. HAHAHA okay sorry inside joke.)
Besides putting that poem down, I have other stuff that I need to write too. These things I saw in Europe. It's quite diverse; a comparison of sculptures in which I saw something else other than what was being explained, a difference in interpretation of stature of a man, simple scenes of people living their lives and creating their own world within it, complex situations (..economical and political?), and just private stuff.
Some of all that I have already written on my notebook and various other pieces of paper. Some I have thought through, and the words are in my mind. Some I have yet to ponder. I have all this to do, but strangely enough, I'm spending my time and what's left in this sodding brain of mind to type all this crap. (Is it crap?)
Anyway, the trip was okay. As Europe-y as you can get. Talk to me if you want to know more or something. Now Nicole misses certain people and wants to talk to them.
It's going to be 5 am in Europe soon. Goodness, I took so long to type all this. Ah, I didn't do it continuously anyway.
Talk to me if you miss me. HAHA.
Yeayea, bye.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
an explanation
All these lyrics (okay, yeah I know it's long) show that mix of what I'm feeling.
Posted at 4:59 PM
They are all taken from Jon Foreman's Seasons EPs.
I hope I am resurrected soon.
Learning How To Die
I'm gonna miss you
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you and your songs
And I said, Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away
She said, Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow
And I said, Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away
I said, Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die...Die...
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Posted at 4:40 PM
I'm gonna miss you when you're gone
She says, I love you
I'm gonna miss you and your songs
And I said, Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away
She said, Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Hey everyone
I've got nowhere to go
The grave is lazing me
He takes our body slow
And I said, Please,
Don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away
I said, Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to laugh not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Die...Die...
I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die
Resurrect Me
It takes a long time to kill a man
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
And go off and get him some peace
I want to die a lot quicker than that
If it's my only way out
I've been counting up the cost
Getting up on that cross
Wanna know what this is all about
Father time
Steals our days like a thief
There's no price
That I wouldn't pay to get some relief
I've become the empty shell
Of a man I like so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me
I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn't seem to help
Oh, she's got a pretty face with a wedding lace
But I'm still waking up with myself
I know what it means to choke it down
Driving 'til your legs get weak
I know what it's like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street
Father time
Steals our days like a thief
There's no price that I haven't paid
To get some relief
I've become the shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
Have I forgotten who I am?
Come on and resurrect me
Resurrect me (x5)
Come on and resurrect me
Posted at 4:32 PM
Fifty-five years at least
Until he breaks down
Starts to look underground
And go off and get him some peace
I want to die a lot quicker than that
If it's my only way out
I've been counting up the cost
Getting up on that cross
Wanna know what this is all about
Father time
Steals our days like a thief
There's no price
That I wouldn't pay to get some relief
I've become the empty shell
Of a man I like so well
I am a living, breathing hell
Come on and resurrect me
I tried to drown the pain with a friend of mine
It didn't seem to help
Oh, she's got a pretty face with a wedding lace
But I'm still waking up with myself
I know what it means to choke it down
Driving 'til your legs get weak
I know what it's like on a Saturday night
To be alone in a crowded street
Father time
Steals our days like a thief
There's no price that I haven't paid
To get some relief
I've become the shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
Have I forgotten who I am?
Come on and resurrect me
Resurrect me (x5)
Come on and resurrect me
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