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Sunday, September 04, 2011
busy old fool, unruly sun, why dost thou thus?
Ooh I haven't posted here in almost a year. Wow, time really flies.
In all this hardcore mugging time, the lesson is beginning to hit home: I really cannot depend on my own strength to bring me through. Sure, I can do all the papers and read all the notes a million times over, but nothing can prepare me for the big A levels as much as God-given strength can.
I want to rely on You more, Lord.
(Was that my prayer request for 40DOC? anyway.)
(Thanks Angie for pointing me to this verse:)
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I will fix my eyes on You, and run this race well for Your glory.
Posted at 12:27 AM
Sunday, September 12, 2010
leave.
Go ahead. Do it, you know you have to. Even if you don't want to. So don't look back while you're at it. Maybe only at the glass exit. Only. After that, hand your passport to the counter staff, lug your baggage through the gates; all your baggage, don't leave any behind. Know that nothing, not even us, is left behind when you're simply taking steps forward and around and around spinning to a whole new world where no one loves you any less. Yes, just go. i'll miss you (two).
Posted at 12:31 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2010
kick;
I keep being rudely awakened by my own shocks when I'm taking a nap. It's not an occurrence that happens often enough that sleep gets seriously disrupted, but it's pretty annoying. The thing is, I have no idea what causes the shock. It's like a little spasm. Maybe just because I watched Inception, but I theorize that it could be due to some sort of kick in my dream. Like a fall. Maybe it's a recurring dream. I don't know, I can't seem to remember those dreams, if they ever happened at all. It certainly feels like I had been dreaming all those times.
But if I'm falling in every dream, what does that say?
My subconscious is a murky place to be, and I hope those scary falling dreams aren't a manifestation of that murkiness. Yea, that's creepy. Whoo, I'd better not start speculating about what horrors I was dreaming of/lie in my subconscious. Not good.
Posted at 6:18 PM
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
too close for comfort;
Is that why you left first? Because you were afraid of me leaving you?
Posted at 7:03 PM
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
humblings and re-beginnings;
Recent times have been... difficult, to say the least. I bring it all upon myself, of course, but I guess it's just another time when I have to rededicate myself to God again with a fresh start.
You know the story about the prodigal son? Welcomed back into open arms? I seem to be hearing a lot about that lately, and I know, God, that it's your way of telling me you'll still take me back, that your love is unconditional. But the thing about that parable Lord, is that the son turns back once. Only once. He is welcomed back once. What if he were to run away and then run back again? Would such a celebration repeat itself? Somehow in my mind I create cause for doubt there.
Because that's me.
I'm the one who keeps running away now. With crappy QT, with every reason in the book not to do it playing out in reality - whether valid or not. With terrible acts and thoughts of old and new and in between. With a complacent emptiness as a result of wanting to change myself yet not really knowing how and being afraid. In the end I feel undeserving of God.
But God I thank you that you are a father whose love is enduring and everlasting and unconditional. That you want me back every time I fall and forgive so freely. I am torn in this limbo of not wanting to accept it because I don't deserve it, but it is a gift freely given. And I have long accepted it.
So this is it.
This is (yet) another time where I start again. With a renewed spirit in me, I am ready.
Being in new things this year, such as RJ and CM-ing and CAMY and Track, has put me in an environment where most people around me are better than me in many aspects. Every day has turned into a race for me, both literally and figuratively, where I have to do my best to better myself in my skills or whatever. Heh, this is a rather humbling experience. When I know I am far from the best - it is only then that I can do better.
So, yea, it's good. Good that I know I can improve, and good that I am humbled. Haha the only problem is that its borderline now, turning from humbling to demoralising. Ha. Goodness I shan't let it go there, but it's definitely nearing it. Like, standing at the edge with a little more than your toes pointing over kind of near. Whoops.
Not sure what will happen from here, but I know the progress from here depends on myself and God. I hope I can depend more on God here, so that this will be a positive thing and not some melancholy-emo-fit-inducing phase. Actually, I hope I can learn to depend on God entirely. Like for that little-voice-in-my-head-that's-not-my-own-that's-God's? To listen to it more and not test it with so much apprehension and hesitancy next time. It's usually right. When it's not it's when I'm confusing it with my own voice. -.-
This has been a tiring period of time. No break, no slowing down, no turning back.
Time to pick it up, stand up, push forward.
run and not grow weary with hope in the Lord; sing a new song unto Him.
Posted at 12:17 AM
Monday, June 28, 2010
glass ceiling;
It's been quite a while, hasn't it?
I did say I was going to start updating again, in a bid to satisfy some imaginary audience and more importantly as an avenue for sorting thoughts out. So here begins a restart attempt.
Allow me to lament something.
I hate the state of my poetry now.
You heard me. I really do. My naive mind is was shrouded in some dark cloud of vanity and low expectations, and I deemed my pathetic works of words thrown together to be somewhat acceptable.
How mistaken I was.
Let's set the scene, shall we? As you might know, I'm pretty OCD when it comes to organizing. Even down to the typography and all that. So one day I took efforts to organize my entire folder of writings and in the process read the said works. My reaction to them was not drastic. In fact, it was more like nostalgic. But there was no awe. No sense of pride in most of the words, only select few. So what was I doing? Those words were not meant to be teenage diary entries, but a large proportion ended up having an uncanny resemblance.
I just took time to look at a few again. And yup, I guess I'm seeing a little clearer now. Most of them don't have a spark, and I have to think about editing them. Quite a few have potential but need some serious sprucing and chopping.
Somehow I guess this gives me hope. it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know~ Because I know there's plenty more ahead that I can do with my words, and I want to push it into that strange and brilliant unknown.
Preferably with an expanded vocabulary.
And plenty of luck on my side.
I already know I have God's blessings. :D
Posted at 10:56 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2010
time, space and knowing;
It's time that I begin to express some semblance of who I was before. Because past experiences shape one's present self, and even though what people see now is not any less true, I feel like no one is getting a clear picture except for the rare few who have been there from the start. Yet I don't know where to begin. This is who I am now - I smile all too often, elapse into certain down moods sometimes, keep a philosophy of floating on or above the water in my own cloud of haziness, push for something too often, and too often not hard enough. It is everything that screams "almost there", without the drive that I used to have. I know it resides somewhere in the background, somewhere pretty far behind. I have a drive to have a drive. I want to. I need to. Right now I'm just waiting for it to hit sometime; hopefully sometime soon. So what everyone sees now is maybe half of me. I've a feeling most know this isn't everything (when is it ever?), but who is really going to bother trying to knock down walls that they're not sure even exist? I'd like to see them try. But I know that's not going to happen. Walls are there for a reason, and they're not weak either. It is up to me to move them apart. To leave a gap for others to see and walk through, while leaving it up to their own discretion and judgement as to whether taking a step down that path is a wise choice or not. I know this whole entire journey that might be taken will take much time, appropriate space, intentional knowing, and much luck and coincidence. I pray it all turns out right. It's been a long time since I wrote like this, and I miss it. It's one of those things that defines me as I am, and helps to shape who I am. In writing this, I have re-learnt and re-assured myself of something: I yearn for more, always.
Posted at 1:59 AM
Friday, January 29, 2010
I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
I don't know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day. I don't borrow from it's sunshine, For it's skies may turn to gray. I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said, And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead. Refrain Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand; But I know Who holds tomorrow, And I know Who holds my hand. Ev'ry step is getting brighter, As the golden stairs I climb; Ev'ry burden's getting lighter; Ev'ry cloud is silver lined. There the sun is always shining, There no tear will dim the eyes, At the ending of the rainbow, Where the mountains touch the sky. Refrain Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand; But I know Who holds tomorrow, And I know Who holds my hand. I don't know about tomorrow, It may bring me poverty; But the One Who feeds the sparrow, Is the One Who stands by me. And the path that be my portion, May be through the flame or flood, But His presence goes before me, And I'm covered with His blood. Refrain Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand; But I know Who holds tomorrow, And I know Who holds my hand.
Posted at 12:32 AM
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
where the evening fell
commas and ampersands; your inner mind, so inexpressible
Posted at 11:45 PM
Thursday, December 17, 2009
books
The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up? Instructions: Look at the list and put bold those you have read. (and italics for in the process of reading, * for planning to read soon) 1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien 3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte* 4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6 The Bible7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte* 8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman 10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens 11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott 12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy 13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller* 14 Complete Works of Shakespeare 15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier 16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien 17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk 18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger 19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger* 20 Middlemarch – George Eliot 21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell 22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald 23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens 24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy 25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams 26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh 27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky 28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck* 29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame 31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy 32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis34 Emma – Jane Austen 35 Persuasion – Jane Austen 36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini 38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres 39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden 40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne41 Animal Farm – George Orwell42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez* 44 A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving 45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins 46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy* 48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding50 Atonement – Ian McEwan* 51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel 52 Dune – Frank Herbert 53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons 54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen 55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth 56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon 57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens 58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley* 59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez 61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov (half of it in the bookstore haha) 63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt 64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold* 65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas* 66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac 67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy 68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding 69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie 70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens72 Dracula – Bram Stoker 73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson 75 Ulysses – James Joyce 76 The Inferno – Dante (well, okay, one or two chapters left)77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome 78 Germinal – Emile Zola 79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray 80 Possession – AS Byatt 81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens 82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell 83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker 84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro 85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert 86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry 87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton (I want the last book!)91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad 92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks 94 Watership Down – Richard Adams95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole 96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute 97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas 98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare 99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo
I could put a star on everyone because I think I would read them all hahah.
27/100
Posted at 10:18 PM
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