Yet I don't know where to begin. This is who I am now - I smile all too often, elapse into certain down moods sometimes, keep a philosophy of floating on or above the water in my own cloud of haziness, push for something too often, and too often not hard enough. It is everything that screams "almost there", without the drive that I used to have. I know it resides somewhere in the background, somewhere pretty far behind. I have a drive to have a drive. I want to. I need to. Right now I'm just waiting for it to hit sometime; hopefully sometime soon.
So what everyone sees now is maybe half of me. I've a feeling most know this isn't everything (when is it ever?), but who is really going to bother trying to knock down walls that they're not sure even exist? I'd like to see them try.
But I know that's not going to happen. Walls are there for a reason, and they're not weak either. It is up to me to move them apart. To leave a gap for others to see and walk through, while leaving it up to their own discretion and judgement as to whether taking a step down that path is a wise choice or not. I know this whole entire journey that might be taken will take much time, appropriate space, intentional knowing, and much luck and coincidence. I pray it all turns out right.
It's been a long time since I wrote like this, and I miss it. It's one of those things that defines me as I am, and helps to shape who I am. In writing this, I have re-learnt and re-assured myself of something: I yearn for more, always.