Recent times have been... difficult, to say the least. I bring it all upon myself, of course, but I guess it's just another time when I have to rededicate myself to God again with a fresh start.

You know the story about the prodigal son? Welcomed back into open arms? I seem to be hearing a lot about that lately, and I know, God, that it's your way of telling me you'll still take me back, that your love is unconditional. But the thing about that parable Lord, is that the son turns back once. Only once. He is welcomed back once. What if he were to run away and then run back again? Would such a celebration repeat itself? Somehow in my mind I create cause for doubt there.

Because that's me.

I'm the one who keeps running away now. With crappy QT, with every reason in the book not to do it playing out in reality - whether valid or not. With terrible acts and thoughts of old and new and in between. With a complacent emptiness as a result of wanting to change myself yet not really knowing how and being afraid. In the end I feel undeserving of God.

But God I thank you that you are a father whose love is enduring and everlasting and unconditional. That you want me back every time I fall and forgive so freely. I am torn in this limbo of not wanting to accept it because I don't deserve it, but it is a gift freely given. And I have long accepted it.

So this is it.

This is (yet) another time where I start again. With a renewed spirit in me, I am ready.

Being in new things this year, such as RJ and CM-ing and CAMY and Track, has put me in an environment where most people around me are better than me in many aspects. Every day has turned into a race for me, both literally and figuratively, where I have to do my best to better myself in my skills or whatever. Heh, this is a rather humbling experience. When I know I am far from the best - it is only then that I can do better.

So, yea, it's good. Good that I know I can improve, and good that I am humbled. Haha the only problem is that its borderline now, turning from humbling to demoralising. Ha. Goodness I shan't let it go there, but it's definitely nearing it. Like, standing at the edge with a little more than your toes pointing over kind of near. Whoops.

Not sure what will happen from here, but I know the progress from here depends on myself and God. I hope I can depend more on God here, so that this will be a positive thing and not some melancholy-emo-fit-inducing phase. Actually, I hope I can learn to depend on God entirely. Like for that little-voice-in-my-head-that's-not-my-own-that's-God's? To listen to it more and not test it with so much apprehension and hesitancy next time. It's usually right. When it's not it's when I'm confusing it with my own voice. -.-

This has been a tiring period of time. No break, no slowing down, no turning back.

Time to pick it up, stand up, push forward.