Life and Love and Why

busy old fool, unruly sun, why dost thou thus?

2011-09-04T00:27:00.001+08:00

Ooh I haven't posted here in almost a year. Wow, time really flies.

In all this hardcore mugging time, the lesson is beginning to hit home: I really cannot depend on my own strength to bring me through. Sure, I can do all the papers and read all the notes a million times over, but nothing can prepare me for the big A levels as much as God-given strength can.

I want to rely on You more, Lord.

(Was that my prayer request for 40DOC? anyway.)

(Thanks Angie for pointing me to this verse:)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I will fix my eyes on You, and run this race well for Your glory.

leave.

2010-09-12T00:31:00.001+08:00

Go ahead.
Do it, you know you have to. Even if you don't want to.
So don't look back while you're at it. Maybe only
at the glass exit. Only. After that,
hand your passport to the counter staff,
lug your baggage through the gates;
all your baggage, don't leave any behind.
Know that nothing, not even us, is left behind
when you're simply taking steps forward
and around and around spinning to
a whole new world where
no one loves you any less.
Yes,
just go.

i'll miss you (two).

kick;

2010-08-12T18:18:00.004+08:00

I keep being rudely awakened by my own shocks when I'm taking a nap. It's not an occurrence that happens often enough that sleep gets seriously disrupted, but it's pretty annoying. The thing is, I have no idea what causes the shock. It's like a little spasm. Maybe just because I watched Inception, but I theorize that it could be due to some sort of kick in my dream. Like a fall. Maybe it's a recurring dream. I don't know, I can't seem to remember those dreams, if they ever happened at all. It certainly feels like I had been dreaming all those times.

But if I'm falling in every dream, what does that say?

My subconscious is a murky place to be, and I hope those scary falling dreams aren't a manifestation of that murkiness. Yea, that's creepy. Whoo, I'd better not start speculating about what horrors I was dreaming of/lie in my subconscious. Not good.

too close for comfort;

2010-07-27T19:03:00.001+08:00

Is that why you left first? Because you were afraid of me leaving you?

humblings and re-beginnings;

2010-07-06T00:17:00.003+08:00

Recent times have been... difficult, to say the least. I bring it all upon myself, of course, but I guess it's just another time when I have to rededicate myself to God again with a fresh start.

You know the story about the prodigal son? Welcomed back into open arms? I seem to be hearing a lot about that lately, and I know, God, that it's your way of telling me you'll still take me back, that your love is unconditional. But the thing about that parable Lord, is that the son turns back once. Only once. He is welcomed back once. What if he were to run away and then run back again? Would such a celebration repeat itself? Somehow in my mind I create cause for doubt there.

Because that's me.

I'm the one who keeps running away now. With crappy QT, with every reason in the book not to do it playing out in reality - whether valid or not. With terrible acts and thoughts of old and new and in between. With a complacent emptiness as a result of wanting to change myself yet not really knowing how and being afraid. In the end I feel undeserving of God.

But God I thank you that you are a father whose love is enduring and everlasting and unconditional. That you want me back every time I fall and forgive so freely. I am torn in this limbo of not wanting to accept it because I don't deserve it, but it is a gift freely given. And I have long accepted it.

So this is it.

This is (yet) another time where I start again. With a renewed spirit in me, I am ready.

Being in new things this year, such as RJ and CM-ing and CAMY and Track, has put me in an environment where most people around me are better than me in many aspects. Every day has turned into a race for me, both literally and figuratively, where I have to do my best to better myself in my skills or whatever. Heh, this is a rather humbling experience. When I know I am far from the best - it is only then that I can do better.

So, yea, it's good. Good that I know I can improve, and good that I am humbled. Haha the only problem is that its borderline now, turning from humbling to demoralising. Ha. Goodness I shan't let it go there, but it's definitely nearing it. Like, standing at the edge with a little more than your toes pointing over kind of near. Whoops.

Not sure what will happen from here, but I know the progress from here depends on myself and God. I hope I can depend more on God here, so that this will be a positive thing and not some melancholy-emo-fit-inducing phase. Actually, I hope I can learn to depend on God entirely. Like for that little-voice-in-my-head-that's-not-my-own-that's-God's? To listen to it more and not test it with so much apprehension and hesitancy next time. It's usually right. When it's not it's when I'm confusing it with my own voice. -.-

This has been a tiring period of time. No break, no slowing down, no turning back.

Time to pick it up, stand up, push forward.

run and not grow weary with hope in the Lord;

sing a new song unto Him.

glass ceiling;

2010-06-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

It's been quite a while, hasn't it?

I did say I was going to start updating again, in a bid to satisfy some imaginary audience and more importantly as an avenue for sorting thoughts out. So here begins a restart attempt.

Allow me to lament something.

I hate the state of my poetry now.

You heard me. I really do. My naive mind is was shrouded in some dark cloud of vanity and low expectations, and I deemed my pathetic works of words thrown together to be somewhat acceptable.

How mistaken I was.

Let's set the scene, shall we? As you might know, I'm pretty OCD when it comes to organizing. Even down to the typography and all that. So one day I took efforts to organize my entire folder of writings and in the process read the said works. My reaction to them was not drastic. In fact, it was more like nostalgic. But there was no awe. No sense of pride in most of the words, only select few. So what was I doing? Those words were not meant to be teenage diary entries, but a large proportion ended up having an uncanny resemblance.

I just took time to look at a few again. And yup, I guess I'm seeing a little clearer now. Most of them don't have a spark, and I have to think about editing them. Quite a few have potential but need some serious sprucing and chopping.

Somehow I guess this gives me hope. it's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know~ Because I know there's plenty more ahead that I can do with my words, and I want to push it into that strange and brilliant unknown.

Preferably with an expanded vocabulary.

And plenty of luck on my side.

I already know I have God's blessings. :D

time, space and knowing;

2010-06-19T01:59:00.000+08:00

It's time that I begin to express some semblance of who I was before. Because past experiences shape one's present self, and even though what people see now is not any less true, I feel like no one is getting a clear picture except for the rare few who have been there from the start.

Yet I don't know where to begin. This is who I am now - I smile all too often, elapse into certain down moods sometimes, keep a philosophy of floating on or above the water in my own cloud of haziness, push for something too often, and too often not hard enough. It is everything that screams "almost there", without the drive that I used to have. I know it resides somewhere in the background, somewhere pretty far behind. I have a drive to have a drive. I want to. I need to. Right now I'm just waiting for it to hit sometime; hopefully sometime soon.

So what everyone sees now is maybe half of me. I've a feeling most know this isn't everything (when is it ever?), but who is really going to bother trying to knock down walls that they're not sure even exist? I'd like to see them try.

But I know that's not going to happen. Walls are there for a reason, and they're not weak either. It is up to me to move them apart. To leave a gap for others to see and walk through, while leaving it up to their own discretion and judgement as to whether taking a step down that path is a wise choice or not. I know this whole entire journey that might be taken will take much time, appropriate space, intentional knowing, and much luck and coincidence. I pray it all turns out right.

It's been a long time since I wrote like this, and I miss it. It's one of those things that defines me as I am, and helps to shape who I am. In writing this, I have re-learnt and re-assured myself of something: I yearn for more, always.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

2010-01-29T00:32:00.001+08:00

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

where the evening fell

2010-01-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

commas and ampersands;

your inner mind, so inexpressible

books

2009-12-17T22:18:00.004+08:00

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions:
Look at the list and put bold those you have read. (and italics for in the process of reading, * for planning to read soon)

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte*
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte*
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller*
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger*
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck*
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez*
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy*
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan*
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley*
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov (half of it in the bookstore haha)
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold*
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas*
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante (well, okay, one or two chapters left)
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton (I want the last book!)
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

I could put a star on everyone because I think I would read them all hahah.

27/100

rhema conference 09

2009-12-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

I have some things to say about this year's conference and the lessons learnt etc and people to thank (<3)

Pray for me please?
Down with cough/flu whatever.

away

2009-12-01T01:20:00.001+08:00

Will be gone, in Hong Kong 1-12 Dec.

sms me if you really want souvenirs or specific items haha.

Pray that we'll be granted journey mercy too!

miss me! hahah

happy birthday

2009-11-22T01:15:00.001+08:00

to me.

thanks to:

2009-11-15T21:52:00.001+08:00

Thanks to Feli and Gi!

Whom I shared with without any fear of judgement, with full knowledge and faith of support and encouragement. Thank you much you guys, love you <3

list

2009-11-10T23:59:00.001+08:00

So today I cancelled your name off my list.

It's one less, but just maybe, I'm kinda glad.

walls

2009-11-05T00:14:00.001+08:00

I'll just make them stronger.

burn;

2009-11-01T20:15:00.000+08:00

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours. -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged.

invictus

2009-11-01T20:06:00.001+08:00

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

do not be afraid, do not be conquered.

For we have God on our side. <3

who cares.

2009-11-01T16:16:00.000+08:00

looking back

2009-10-31T01:34:00.002+08:00

Everything has turned to the point where I am able to look back without waves of panic and fear, but also to the point where I cannot handle all this anymore. So I took an hour doing what was long overdue but should not be done at the wee hours of the night during the O level period. Sort of looking back, and more importantly, looking inside once again.

I was supposed to ask all those questions after the Os, but it's about time the boiling pot spilled over.

That super long diary entry was just a precursor; once all this junk is over, I'll take to poetic solitude once again.

[Like I'm not alone enough already -.- ]

Still. I'm glad for what and who I have, even though it all takes so much from us all the time.

I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.

2 Tim 4:7

Let us stay strong right til the end, to be able to say these words.

therapy

2009-10-29T12:21:00.001+08:00

I never thought I'd be driving through the country just to drive
With only music and the clothes that I woke up in
I never thought I'd need all this time alone it goes to show
I had so much yet I had need for nothing
But you

This is just therapy
Let's call it what it is
(Not what we were)
With a death-grip on this life always transitioning
This is just therapy
Cause you won't take my calls
and that makes God the only one who's left here listening to me

Letting it all sink in
It's good to feel a sting now and again
I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through
Forgetting it all begin
Fresh paper and nice expensive pen
The past can not subtract a thing from what I might do
For you
Unless that's what I let it do

Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused
Cause I spend my solitude with you
I gather all the questions of the things I just can't get straight
And I answer them the way I guess you'd do

Cause this is my therapy
Cause you're the only one that's listening to me
This is my therapy
Let's call it what it is not what we were
With a death-grip on this life that's in transition
This is my therapy
Cause you won't hear me out
and that makes God the only one who's left here listening

--relient k [forget and not slow down, therapy]

(e)Books

2009-10-28T22:34:00.002+08:00

No one seems to bat an eye nowadays when people download music and movies and tv shows for free. It's just all too commonplace a practice, too easy to do.

And now with the ebook craze slowly but surely picking up, I wonder if they will go down the same path of pirated content?

I googled Mere Christianity (a book by CS Lewis) in hopes that I would find the text so that I wouldn't have to type it out myself to show Leican, and it really did work. The pdf file AND audio file were available right off the first few links of results.

I opened them, and there - the book's contents in FULL.

Either the copyright long expired like some old fairytales did, or...

So my mind wandered in two directions: 1) darn, wasted some money there. 2) what?! this shouldn't just be on the internet like that!

sigh.

[and I bought a LOT of books okay. still, integrity upheld :D and I like the feel of paper anyway]

leaving

2009-10-19T11:02:00.001+08:00

I don't feel that ache of leaving MG.

Do you know why?

Because it's not over yet.
Because I know I'll be back.
Because my heart remains there still.

<3 MGS

down through the years our memories will keep a loving place
heaven ever bless our school.

the darkness doesn't have any answers;

2009-10-18T18:14:00.002+08:00

I seriously thank God for Ms Ng; she's awesome. Understanding and caring and... (the list goes on.)

A lot of the advice dispensed may be the same, and I've heard the same things too many times. Yet just maybe, sometimes we need to hear it from different people. People whom we look at differently, whom we hold a different kind of respect for. People who don't just exude that unconcerned care.

Even with just simple phrases.

That thing Ms Ng said about her friend's advice - "snap out of it"; to me it's a different phrasing, a simple and to the point way of saying what the title of this post says.

the darkness doesn't have any answers;

What's the point of dwelling there? Stop letting stupid emotion overtake you and bring you down when you know the truth and light. When you know by your head the faith you need, the hope that sustains, the memories or situations to avoid. The tough times groom you to be better and stronger, but if you're already past them then you've already learnt. Going back to where you were, if it doesn't do you any good, is just plain unhealthy.

forget and not slow down;

...because these words; the words of God, the poetry, the music - will be what sustains us.

don't you slow down now, loves.

excuses

2009-10-12T21:22:00.002+08:00

Excuse me, but those who know me well enough should know that I get angry and pissed and touchy easily when I'm stressed and tired.

Which means, that in the next few weeks or so I will be the Grinch, like the replay of my mood when on the choir tour to Europe (oops).

It's no excuse, really. But if I snap at you or whatever, don't take it too hard, that's all.

And if you're actually nice enough, you'll be brilliant enough to actually get rid of my stress!

Wonder who.

Clair de Lune

2009-10-11T18:55:00.002+08:00

The famous poem Debussy had in mind while composing Clair de Lune.

[Original French]
Claire de Lune
by Paul Verlaine (1844 – 1896

Votre âme est un paysage choisi
Que vont charmant masques et bergamasques
Jouant du luth et dansant et quasi
Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques.

Tout en chantant sur le mode mineur
L'amour vainqueur et la vie opportune
Ils n'ont pas l'air de croire à leur bonheur
Et leur chanson se mêle au clair de lune,

Au calme clair de lune triste et beau,
Qui fait rêver les oiseaux dans les arbres
Et sangloter d'extase les jets d'eau,
Les grands jets d'eau sveltes parmi les marbres.

[English Translation]
Claire de Lune
by Paul Verlaine (1844 – 1896)

Your soul is a chosen landscape
Where charming masked and costumed figures go
Playing the lute and dancing and almost
Sad beneath their fantastic disguises.

All sing in a minor key
Of all-conquering love and careless fortune
They do not seem to believe in their happiness
And their song mingles with the moonlight.

The still moonlight, sad and beautiful,
Which gives the birds to dream in the trees
And makes the fountain sprays sob in ecstasy,
The tall, slender fountain sprays among the marble statues.

don't forget

2009-10-08T22:59:00.001+08:00

"...to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love."

strive on, loves.

2009-10-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

escape the darkness

2009-10-07T21:59:00.002+08:00

<3 One Tree Hill

Lucas: I''m thinking about... taking off for a while.
Haley: Lucas, please stop running. Come on, you got to let go of this dark weight you're carrying around.
Lucas: That's my life. ...Nathan told me the darkness doesn't have any answers.
Haley: He's right.. You saw him after the accident; look at him now. You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is actually really healing and beautiful... sort of poetic? It's not. It's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? Love. The day you start thinking love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love, and faith, and belief is not having it.

work

2009-10-05T22:53:00.002+08:00

shit i really need someone to convince me to work, to bug me everyday like i've been bugged before.

whowhowho. :(

missing to a hit

2009-10-05T00:50:00.002+08:00

I miss Deanna. So I'm talking to her now. :)

To those who don't know, she was my dear primary school bestie (or at least my really[x100] good friend) until she flew all the way to Beijing. Sucks, right? She's not the only who left like that; I think all of my supposedly best friends left that way, even in kindergarten.

But anyway. The sadness is not the point. I miss them, but it's alright. :)

Talking to D, about everything going on, is quite a blessing. To know she loves God. To have each other in prayer. To have her make me feel secure. When I say "I hope so..." she says, "No, not hope, I'm sure." To have unending rounds of encouragement. (and the conversation at this late hour of 1am is far from ending, I think. btw it's the same time over there)

I'm glad.

It's quite a pain to think of all the people that have disappeared from my life; about 4 close-to-best friends migrated, 3 specific people have ceased contact/contact is just different from before due to the distance, 2 grandparents have died without me having a chance to know them, 1 shall never be seen again, and countless people have drifted.

It's a wonder I'm not some therapy case. Though I know a lot of people are worse off.

But as a mere child then, isn't it quite tragic to lose a best friend once every few years?? ><

Still, I love who I have now, even if I miss so many. It's all alright. <3

back to work.

still,

2009-10-03T22:10:00.001+08:00

Up till now, I still know when something's wrong with you, even with just a word.

when we all seek God

2009-09-25T23:14:00.003+08:00

I think most humans subconsciously seek God, even if they deny it. Maybe they don't actually see the truth of Jesus' sacrifice or the values and morals that is the center of Godliness, but the desires, pangs and even actions of the heart seem to prove otherwise.

People say that they do things for the sake of progress - be it for mankind, society or themselves as individuals. They dabble in science and arts, hoping to create, discover, invent, and ultimately grow.

All that striving - doesn't it look so much like an allusion? God is the Creator. He made the day and night, pulled gravity into existence and filled the earth with water and air. He crafted the colours, shaped and sculpted the mountains and valleys, and ran water run down them. He made man in His image, separated the languages, loved us and sacrificed His only Son for us.

Of course, we'd never ever match up to God. But isn't all that we do a subconscious yearning for that likeness?

We write beautiful words in prose and verse, chisel stone and ice sculptures painstakingly, and paint vivid pictures of our imagination. Yearning to be like our own Creator.

We calculate and formulate Newtonian physics, cellular functions and peer through huge telescopes in hope of finding more about our universe. All that science and research to do more with our lives, whether medical leaps or astronomic bounds. Trying to fill in the gaps of knowledge about how God made everything the way it is and doing the same.

All that we do echoes what God did, however faintly. We somewhat blindly walk to follow his footsteps by the path set out for us. However far we venture, it does not negate the fact that we wanted to walk and follow it in the first place. Even subconsciously.

Yes, God certainly made us in His image well and through.

Your heart tells you exactly who God is as you go through life. So why bother denying it any longer? Just take God right in that special place in your heart where He belongs; just like you belonged to Him in the first place.

burn;

2009-09-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

(from lj, manual transfer)

audioprayer
22nd September 2009
current location: in the dark
current mood: groggy
current music: a lot.

My eyes hurt when I close them, so now I'm refraining from blinking. Which makes them dry out even more, aggravating the problem.

It's still pretty hard to look at myself in the mirror and see someone that I recognize. Or that's worthy.

But here's where we have to turn to God, I guess.

All of this just reminds me how screwed up and broken I am, and how little I can do on my own-- I am nothing.

There is nothing for me to love about myself if I don't have God. Because whatever I have is from God anyway. He created me; he made and crafted my looks, my brains, my talents, my heart, all in His hands. Without the Creator, what is the art?

And when I'm too tired now from all this, I'm learning this: that it's better when it's over. I will only remember how it feels, it's not here anymore. Well, until it comes again, but let's cross the bridge when we come to it, for what's the use of fretting and despairing about every future trouble that's going to come anyway whether we like it or not?

When the anger and tears die down into a tired calm, no matter how tumultuous I am inside, the one thing to do is to praise God.

It's so difficult, but it's made easier by the fact that in His presence, all else fades away. Everything seems to pale in comparison. Just knowing that makes me want to praise Him more.

Perhaps it's hard to just offer praises. But you also offer sacrifice and relinquish all of yourself- your troubles and pains and thoughts and heartaches- to God. He takes them and bears them on His shoulders. He talks to you about them and nudges you in the right directions with them. Or he takes them away and destroys them. Even if they seem to return, they're back for a purpose; maybe to teach you the lesson you forgot or never really learnt.

Music:
- Elsewhere - Bethany Joy Galeotti
- The Resolution (Acoustic) - Jack's Mannequin
- Swim - Jack's Mannequin
- How Far We've Come - Matchbox 20
- Life After Death And Taxes (Failure II) - Relient K
- Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

[linked to youtube vids; I don't advocate illegal downloads]

impulses

2009-09-13T18:55:00.002+08:00

Recently I've been having these strange impulsive thoughts. I wouldn't say they're really intrusive, but they recur ever so often, and I wonder and wonder, imagining myself actually doing it...

Sitting on my windowsill, for one. Now that's really not as scary as it sounds, the windowsill is really wide. But also pretty dirty, actually. :/ Every night the condo I can see out the window is still kind of lighted up, and I want so much to climb out onto my windowsill and just sit there for an eternity in the night air.

Now I live 12 floors up. So yea, if I fall, that would probably be the end of me. So I guess I'm glad for a few things: that I generally retain logic enough not to climb out, that the windowsill is slightly high up and difficult to climb out unintentionally unless I properly try, that it's dirty, that it's pretty easy for anyone to see me [and that would spell trouble]. hahah.

(Though I've actually done it before. Whoops.)

Another impulse would be to go walking in the rain. Prefarably at night. Prefarably for a really long walk. Preferably alone, or with someone close to me. Just to walk around, in the quiet of it all. To feel the rain on my skin, washing away everything, even if just for a while.

I've actually wanted this for a long time.

I wonder who would go with me.

Various other impulses include flying and going on pryomania. But these are a little more improbable, so I'll put it aside for now.

windowsill;

2009-09-13T00:01:00.000+08:00

(from lj, manual transfer)

audioprayer
13th September 2009 current location:at the edge.
current mood: melancholy

I'm quite afraid of sinking back into a private recluse again.

Because now I realise I am still: very angry, quite lost and alone, and mildly jealous.

But if it's any better, I have become: less apathetic, (-insert long pause while i think-) (2min later)
...shit.

I don't think I've improved much at all. Maybe a little. Maybe I've grown, yes, but... I don't know.

I really am quite angry; will someone help? It's been too long, but I can't find a remedy.

And when i do trip, I can't even face myself in the mirror.

a fire I cannot put out;

2009-09-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

(from lj, with manual transfer)

audioprayer
12th September 2009 current location:windowsill and the night air
current mood: guilty
current music:details in the fabric - jason mraz ft. james morrison

It's been said before that faith is like jumping off a cliff.

I'm not sure how apt this analogy is, but it certainly does bring out the point that it's pretty insane; but it's only after you jump then you realise you're still alive, and in fact in a better place than ever.

I was going to use a scene in The Ring 2 that I read about (I can't watch horror movies). But yea, it's horror so no way. But basically this person is trapped in some scary place, follows her friend's (?) voice to the edge of a cliff, and determined to follow it, jumps off; she ends back in her living room safe and sound.

(just a little thought)

Now I feel a little bit close to lost. Like I still know where I am but there's that little tinge of uncertainty. I hope I don't fall into it. I have to concentrate. There's all this work to do, a lit essay within 2 hours now; a math paper by tonight. That's just for today. I don't know why I'm not starting yet. Sometimes I think, maybe I'm scared to.

And I really miss talking to some people.

People I don't really get to talk to anymore, people who are so busy, people with whom conversation seems forced but used to be so easy.

Not just talking, just plain hanging out.

~~Hey neighbour, if you see this, I want a proper hangout man. Not just little-conversation kind of gymming sessions (hahaha). :)~~ don't really care anymore. sorry.

Feli, we're gonna have the equivalent of a sleepover, whether it actually happens or not, k? <3>hadhaveidkhave you.

Guilt isn't a feeling I rid myself of very easily. I know I am forgiven, but it still remains, I don't know why. Somebody tell me why? Then maybe I'll learn to let it go. To let it all go. Please, please tell me.

<3 God

2009-09-10T00:22:00.002+08:00

Give Us Clean Hands
Give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let us be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

All I Want Is You
I’ve waited all my life to be here face to face.
I never knew that I could feel this kind of grace.
The way You show me that Your blood has washed me clean,
Could never be erased; it lives inside of me.

Take me to that secret place,
Where I can only see Your Face,
And nothing else will ever feel this way.
You take away my guilty stains,
The things I’ve done that I can’t change,
It’s only by the Power of Your name.

I stand here in this place,
See the Glory on Your Face,
Taken by the wonder of Your name.
I’m desperate for Your touch,
Never needed it so much,
Cause all I want is You.

When all the things around me have fallen to the ground
I’m always thankful for the love in You I’ve found.

God is absolutely amazing.

In little things, with friends telling me certain apt things and so on, I can feel and know His hand moving here. Even if I'm not phrasing things properly, or am still keeping issues hidden, He gives me these lines that hit home so well, keeping me afloat (even if I didn't realise I was sinking).

I have been mocking the devil, because the devil cannot bear scorn. I have been saying, take your best shot! I have nothing to fear, I can take whatever you throw because I have God on my side.

This sounds rather ludicrous, yes. I probably would buckle under the weight of problems that come my way, rather than take all of them wonderfully. But I do know the truth is that God will keep me and sustain me through them. I sound naive, but I know in my heart I am strong.

I hope you will too.

Stand strong and firm come what may.

Because in everything, God is still God.
"Be still, and know that I am God;" -Psalm 46:10

sleeping is giving in;

2009-09-05T00:01:00.000+08:00

(from lj, manual transfer)

audioprayer
5th September 2009 current mood: listless
current music:Stop Draggin' My Heart Around - Rob Thomas and Joss Stone

I had a serious bout of insomnia last night.

I couldn't get remotely sleepy, and only officially switched off the lights at 2am. Was still wide awake then, and I know I stayed awake for pretty long after that. It was only when my mom woke me up in the morning, then I realised that I had successfully fallen asleep, probably out of exhaustion.

Today felt weird, as a result. School was exhausting, I was pretty tired. Then piano was plain annoying; I didn't have any patience or tolerance at all for different methods and language issues. Then after dinner I fell asleep until 12 plus. (crap) then bathed. Then here I am now, not sure whether I'm tired or rested or just insomniatic again, almost serenely shifting my fingers to type out these words.

Ha, it's pretty ironic, how I tell people to sleep earlier and so on. I can't do it myself, but at least I try. I can't really help the insomnia, but at least I do try to finish things on time and get to bed around/by 12. Sleep earlier, guys.

I think I should be very grateful to people I have. Sometimes I doubt so much whether I have anyone who loves me, but I guess I just have to look at my blog's tagboard, or talk to certain people, to be sure. A lot of people I loved have left me, more notably a certain one. Not that it's particularly important, but I guess it's almost symbolically significant.

I'm afraid of people leaving, but they always do. So I guess it's alright, I have to accept that. All I can do is work at it to make sure they don't leave because they drift out of a lack of effort to sustain the relationship.

I'm almost wishing for another to take that place; I'm pretty desperate for someone who can make a deep connection with me once again, it's been a long time since I felt someone look into my heart and talked with me about those things, tugging my heartstrings by simply knowing each other so well, and caring so deeply.

Or maybe I'm just blind to the people that do.

Actually, I think not. My darkest secrets were shown then, and I was afraid at first but gained security simply by taking that brave step to open up to the possibility of unconditional love. Up til now, no one knows some of these things. The closest people I have... I think I have mentioned the existence of these things to two of them, but just vaguely and not actually mentioning what they are.

Okay. I'm just waiting for someone to invade me like that again.

Who dares?

We shall see.

farewell to us

2009-08-29T21:34:00.002+08:00

MgChoir.

For some the sec 4 farewell was a tearful one, it certainly seemed touching to all. I was very touched by the effort the juniors put into it, and their honest words choked through tears. I was... you could say moved to tears, but honestly not by the concept of farewell itself, the goodbye.

I guess you could say I'm used to goodbyes.

Too many people leave, as they always do. When I immigrated here. When friends left for other countries. When friends left for other schools. When family left through death. When friends stayed a sms or step away, yet drifted anyway. When communication is impossible, or when it does happen, it's a pathetic trickle of meaningless words.

So for me, the tears came from these: From when I remembered painful times, and choir's duties and unassociated joy from others forced me to go on. From the heartfelt words of my juniors, knowing I left an impact in their lives, such that they may continue to pass it on. From their listening to our lengthy speeches, taking in our words, when they know these words really matter.

...From taking my step back, and seeing time in its passing flash. (subconscious plagiarism here, if I remember correctly. Am I right?)

Dear juniors, take heart and take care. We'll be back, no worries. And even if we don't come back, it's alright, you guys have enough of our hearts to pass it on to every new choir that comes along in MG.

Friends.

Of whom so many I know are hurting. I know some people are happy and all, keep that right there, treasure it. (kudos to neighbour, talking to you as i'm typing this lol)

But for those that hurt.. How many of us can escape pain? There's never a cure for it. It always keeps coming, endlessly. You can spend all your life, running away from it. From when you're a mere child, til your death. You can escape in different things and fantasies and pleasures. Or even another pain to escape the one at hand. It might even bring your death.

But dear friends, please hang on. I know what it's like to feel alone, to have no one; or that everyone you thought could be there isn't. To doubt people's love for you. And I guess I don't really know what to say to that, except that we should know otherwise.

We may be well convinced that we're better off not existing; we'd dream up simple or elaborate schemes of our end. But please know better. God loves you. People love you (yes they do). Your family, your friends. Even if you don't really believe so. Should you disappear, how many people will cry for your loss? How much more people will hurt?

If you share with others your pain, you can do so wisely. Yes, I feel sick of that too. People are sick of hearing my rants and problems, not that they can do anything about them anyway. Practically they can't help. In words, they can reassure and advise, but sometimes you already know and have heard it all, even told it to others.

But more importantly these people you hold close enough will tide you through. When you don't bottle things up. When they tell you the things you already know, you are made a little more sure of them. When they listen all over again, they nod in agreement and say a little prayer; you know they love you. If they didn't, they could just go away. And no, you don't hurt them or make them worry; trust them to handle themselves, to make it go away for you. If it does affect them, know that it also plays a part in helping them grow.

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away

You're important. You're loved. You must have faith in God, above all. In that you will have hope for better.

Don't ever say a real farewell.

Sometimes I almost wish I could take everyone's pain upon myself then just die and make it all go away. Or if I would be the only one suffering and everyone else would live in heaven/utopia, then fine. Yet somehow there's this vicious cycle where people have new troubles and heartaches. And more so, that the past haunts them like a shadow following their every move. :(

Part of it all is to make people grow.

I learnt this from The Screwtape Letters.

The devil jumps at those opportune moments of emotion in us, to bring us down. Telling us the worst things, the most destructive things and behaviours, suggesting the foulest things, everything we don't need.

But what God does, is to first hold our hand. He gives us these emotional supports first, to teach us how to love him, how to stand. But then for us to learn to stand on our own two feet and begin walking, he begins to let go a little, standing right behind us to catch us if we fall. We can't see or feel him then, but otherwise we'd never learn. This goes on. For the greatest people of God had the greatest times of despair. They cried out, "God, why have you forsaken me?" yet walked righteously in his path and obeyed his every word, worshipping his name.

That's what we have to do. To take our hurts and emotions, riding a step higher on the good ones and ignoring the bad when appropriate. To cling onto God knowing he's always there. Ignoring everything that tells you otherwise, and taking down things that don't really matter.

After a while, I don't know what to say anymore. [I... maybe music... and poetry.]

That's why I can't write prose. I have to lose myself in the blur and beauty of it all, not logic and stories that make sense. I have to be in the thick of the action of raw power. (which is also why I get easily bored)

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don't want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I'll get away despite
The fact I'm so weighed down

All of my escapes have been exhausted
I thought I had a way but then I lost it
And my resistance was once much stronger
And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told you so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

...

strike

2009-08-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

I have lost.
all i need is you Lord;

on the other hand, i have macarons to eat. :)

...

2009-08-20T20:05:00.002+08:00

...

Where "..." means that there's too much to put into words; I am speechless.

I am at a loss (as to what to say).
I have lost (this pathetic game). But I'm not the only one, everyone loses.

I am lost (in the middle of the unending desert).

And I, we, have all suffered a loss.

Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Well I never wanted that.

But maybe today will be the day that I am slowly forced into such a mold,

that Venetian perfection of Carnevale's ideal.

Everyone knows those masks are made of porcelain.

help;

Hook, Lyrics and Sinker

2009-08-11T22:30:00.011+08:00

-

Hook, Lyrics and Sinker
Pun-ing 'hook, line and sinker" here.

Catchy songs, songs with good lyrics, and much eclectic dissonance.

note: Lonely No More stops at 0:20. Just click further on in the bar after 0:20 to listen to the rest of the song. Cassie is titled wrongly, it isn't acoustic.

My newly created playlist.

Which, in fact, has a few more songs that are key to its mix (note the title? and description too.)

	Track	Time
1	Jack's Mannequin – American Love	3:43
2	City and Colour – Casey's Song	3:27
3	Rob Thomas – Ever the Same	4:15
4	Rob Thomas – Lonely No More	3:47
5	Incubus – Drive	3:53
6	Elliott Yamin – You Say	3:40
7	Patrick Wolf – Epilogue	2:08
8	Flyleaf – Cassie (Acoustic)	3:09
9	Diana DeGarmo – Cardboard Castles	3:36

Like that. That was the original playlist. Until I realised that I couldn't embed a player from Last.fm. Oops. And Playlist.com just didn't have all those tracks I wanted.

These songs are plain old jingle/pop-catchy, all have decent lyrics (except Epilogue, its instrumental); some lyrics are extra good. And some of these just drag you all the way down with them. Hence the title.

Go listen to that, it could be your studying playlist for a while.

but there's nowhere to run to

2009-08-05T20:36:00.000+08:00

How Far We've Come

by Matchbox 20

Hello
Hello
Hello

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it's feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

I believe the world is burning to the ground
Oh well I guess we're gonna find out
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come
Well I believe it all is coming to an end
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
Let's see how far we've come
Let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
And I can't remember caring for an hour or so
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street took a look at myself
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

It's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
It was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you
Well it's gone, gone, baby, it's all gone
There is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
Well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
Now it's over for me and it's over for you

Let's see how far we've come

dont sway, my friend

2009-08-05T18:00:00.002+08:00

Sway

by The Perishers

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

/lyrics are an easy way to post./

never

2009-08-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

I'm too far from trust to ever get it.

a lie-

2009-08-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

A question:

Is it still a lie when you know perfectly well the truth- that you're lying to yourself?

bouts

2009-08-02T21:04:00.001+08:00

Please excuse the below random bouts of emotion.

Sorry.

only one- yellowcard

2009-08-01T23:22:00.000+08:00

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

acoustic ftw.

over

2009-08-01T23:21:00.001+08:00

yes, it really is.

violent tendencies

2009-08-01T20:55:00.003+08:00

~~Oh, screw you.~~

I must have expected too much of you, even when all the hints pointed to otherwise. Otherwise why would you have this kind of reaction? Even it is just me you're talking to, I'm not someone you can brush off easily like that.

Anyway, the focus isn't on me, but on you now.

Or rather, the lack of your concern. The lack of your reaction and care, the lack of knowing, the lack of everything you could and should have been and done. No, my expectations are not too high.

In the end, you're just not worth it, you're not the right one.

look at the heartbreak.

a crevice of unbottomness running

all the way down the centre.

you watched it forming;

almost serenely, you leaned forward

to take the leap together with-

seemingly. only seemingly.

you leaned forward like a spring,

the spring of mechanical coldness

to take your flighting step back.

away.

its okay dear.

you know what's right yea?

sometimes

2009-08-01T00:04:00.011+08:00

-from one tree hill-

I freaking love these two pictures. (thanks to clare for sending me long ago) and its not just for romances and lovers, its for everything and everyone. For everyone who drifts and leaves, for everyone who stays all the way. For everyone who will reach the same place in the end.

I want to draw simple beautiful things like these.

Did I mention that Peanuts comics are really cool?

(there's more, I'll find them and update later)

Oh, and Winnie the Pooh too.

The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

After all, what are birthdays? Here today and gone tomorrow.
Eeyore
The House at Pooh Corner

"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards, splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side. Then he looked at himself in the water again.
"As I thought," he said. "No better from this side. But nobody minds. Nobody cares. Pathetic, that's what it is."

"Good morning, Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning, which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

A. A. Milne

---

How nice, right? The picture/comic stuff esp.

all in a bid, to forget?

reflections

2009-07-26T21:32:00.004+08:00

Reflections on the past two days, which were veryvery tiring altogether.

Founder's Day. It was slightly different, and though it was relatively boring, it certainly made for a lot of reflection. About not only myself, but this school that we have grown up in (10 years!). So many of us have lost the spirit for it, and I think that's pretty pathetic.

10 years has got to mean something. Most of us had the chance to leave after PSLE, should we choose to. Many of us got another chance at Sec 2 to go to some IP school (not that those who left had lost school spirit). But whatever it is, it's still been time well spent in this place. Be it from the education, the upbringing, teachers, friends etc. You cannot deny that it's been good; don't complain, because we are so richly blessed already.

Sadly, it has faded. But hopefully soon there will be a revival. A turning to God as a whole once more.

LoveMG. This was amazing. There has only been so many times when God's presence was so overwhelming that I was crying even before the sermon began (during the praise and worship time). At the end we were praying, hugging, jumping, clapping, shouting praises- all without a care for the time. There were many factors that could have distracted me- the music, the technical screwups, the seating or whatever. But none of them mattered; I prayed to set them all aside. :)

I must congratulate the LoveMG team. But more importantly, I want to thank those there with me :D Suatty, Angie, Liz, Tingyi, Joelyap, amongst various others around. <3

Re-Joy-Sing. Rejoicing. A continuous act of praising with pure joy unto the Lord.

yes, the joy of the Lord is my strength.

FoDD. High stress day. Problems and much pain in the morning led to being very pissed and high strung the whole day. Dear friends helped to calm me down, thank you. Amanda, Sam, Suat, Yu. Angie, Ga. The many others I camwhored too much with (though I gave up halfway haha). To you(s) who saved my nails and walked with me all the way down Orchard in heels and hugs and all.

It's pretty easy for me to feel alone in a crowd, when so many interactions with people are packed into a confined space. You see things happening with others that aren't with you, or get critical of certain words, actions (or lack thereof). When too many people have smiles plastered on their faces through blinding lights, even if others are absent or hurting.

But it's all alright in the end. Because I know who I am. I know who I have (even if I lose faith sometimes).

Sunday. Oops, woke up late and missed cell (if I really slept at all, I'm not sure. Just rolled around and when I looked at the clock it was 10.29am). Something amazing- the last song played at LoveMG (The Time Has Come) was the first song played today. Like it was a follow up of the session of rejoicing, showing how we praise God continuously :D Minyang preached the sermon today- (here I attempted a few times to describe it in mere words. failed. (: ).

It's back to routine and mugging and pianoing in preparation. I hope that with every encounter with God, people won't be going back to where they were. That with every step taken they move forward, they grow. As for me, let me go back to school with a renewed spirit to do greater things for God.

that surmises my weekend.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave. -Psalm 16:9-10a

FoDD

2009-07-25T23:59:00.002+08:00

Founder's Day Dinner.

and Founder's Day too..

All made for old scars to resurface, where wounds are more easily made. But I cannot forget so easily what is right, true, and important. So in the end, it's all alright.

It is.

lovemg

2009-07-24T23:59:00.002+08:00

when all else faded away

we lay it all down at the foot of the cross

to rejoice in the lord, always, forevermore.

it is only the beginning;

for the joy of the Lord is our strength;

RJCtion

2009-07-23T18:48:00.000+08:00

Oops, I mean rejection.

I'm not disappointed, because I already knew.

But am I a disappointment?

a lie

2009-07-16T21:25:00.002+08:00

This is the ironic twist- in caring for others you will become yourself. As you give yourself away you become richer, stronger. My example is the one who gave himself to death so that I might live. Our lives are too short to ignore the pain. It would be a lie to run away. -JF

I remember this as the lesson I learnt end of last year. These few lines put it very accurately and nicely.

travel lightly and deeply

2009-07-09T01:16:00.001+08:00

This line is from some bird thing JF talked about before singing his song "Light and Heavy". It carries a lot of meaning, and again the whole thought process was sparked off by a blog post by the same person as the one below.

"Travel Lightly and Travel Deeply"

Traveling through life lightly....In the literal sense, traveling lightly is not usually an issue for me, though a few years ago i would say it was. Every break from school I would pack nearly all of my things and return home. This i would not consider traveling lightly. A more implicit meaning of traveling "lightly" could perhaps mean "without burden". To be honest, I need work on this. I have learned that while you are traveling, the unexpected is what happens. What is expected hardly ever happens, but what is unexpected usually ends up being better than what was expected and makes for fond/interesting memories and stories. I struggle to find joy in the unexpected, though this is an area God is shaping me in. I am a planner. When things don't go as planned, my bullet-point mind gets overstimulated. Life is unexpected. How can I find joy in life if i cannot find joy in the unexpected? It would be nice to be able to find joy in anticipating the unexpected. Traveling through life lightly...

Traveling through life Deeply. In this sense, I have lived deeply. Two summers ago I went to India. I am a poor college student and thus got my shovel out, went to my backyard and started digging. Luckily, Ellensburg is exactly the opposite side of the World as Hyderabad. In this way, i have traveled deeply. You may not think i could travel any deeper, but the more I've thought about it, i think it might be possible. To travel deeply could mean to travel with intentionality. To make it a priority to meet new people, to rekindle relationships, to continue to love, to learn all you can about creation and to interact with it, to bring hope, love and justice to people... descriptors of who God is. To travel through life deeply...

And here we go with my interpretation and thoughts.

Travel lightly. When you travel lightly, you pack light. You leave home close to empty-handed, ready to get whatever you need when you get to your destination, or on your way. You leave space in your bag for getting more stuff to bring home later, or to make the journey easier. You would pack lousy quality disposables and the like, so that once you use them you can throw them away and free up some more space in your bag.

Now isn't that like life? You come into this world naked, with absolutely nothing, but with open arms to receive blessings and care from your parents and life's lessons, to grow. As you grow and get burdened, you cannot carry them all and never dispose of them; eventually, one day, you will have to put them down or you'll never move any further from where you are. Put these pathetic burdens down in place of joy. You throw away these things, to make room for much more valuable things, for close valuable relationships, for love and charity, for friendships and all. And to make room to save souls. Then, this isn't the end. This earth is a mere temporary home, an ephemeral second in eternity. Heaven is home. Everything you do here and now, you make the best to bring home. (Think of it as overseas shopping. Make space, bring extra bags to hold the clothes and souvenirs, right?)

Ecclesiastes 5:15- Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand.

Matthew 6:20- But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Travel deeply. It's pretty easy to live life superficially. (Perhaps that sounds a little too judgmental.) Alright, on the surface then. It's not that difficult to go through routine activities. Wake up, wash up, work, wolf down food, wait around, wink forty, if you can. (partially intentional alliteration haha) But the thing is, how is life worth the ride if it's easy? It's almost torturous, in my opinion. Take roller coasters for example. The thrill doesn't come from a straight level train path, it comes from the crazy dangerous adrenaline-inducing loops and whirls. As with life, to travel deeply through it is to live it to the fullest. To seek and treasure the things that matter. Creation, faith, hope, justice, Love. Again and again. Actively seek all this and seek fresh insights with every turn and every word. Make each action and word of yours count for something important. Seek God, always.

2 Chronicles 15:12- They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord , the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul.

My friends, travel lightly and deeply.

Justice

2009-07-09T01:08:00.003+08:00

It's easy, and really, quite reasonable to think of justice as opposite of mercy. I've always thought that way too, that yes, they compliment and overlap, but are essentially opposing.

Think about it, in the case of a minor offense committed. You could deal justice and mete out an appropriate sentence. Or you could take it in the light of a first-timer and show mercy with a lighter/no sentence.

But that's too absolute, isn't it?

Today, trawling around the net, I found this blog post on justice.

...and let there be a flood of justice...
"I hate all your show and pretense-the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies. I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings. I won't even notice all your choice peace offerings. Away with your noisy hymns of praise! I will not listen to the music of your harps. Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, and endless river of righteous living" (Amos 5)

This word "justice" has been heavily on my mind lately. Maybe because it is heavily on the mind of our school, and is thrown around in my everyday life, but even so it has been on this mind of mine. A few weeks ago, I decided to read through the minor prophets. At first, i was just doing it for the sake of reading an entire book in one sitting...they are the smallest. But after reading only one book, Amos, I realized for the first time on my own how much the idea of "justice" is emphasized.

The definitions of Justice that come up on my computer are as follows (Encarta):
JUSTICE: 1.) Fairness or reasonableness, especially in the way people are treated or decisions are made. 2.) The legal system, or the act of applying or upholding the law.

Today I realized that the word "justice" can have more than one connotation with it. From what I realized today, the word "justice" can have an angry connotation to it. I think this comes from the second definition inferring a "justice will be served" idea. I think this definition/connotation of justice comes from focusing on the person/idea that will be punished when justice is served. It is evident in the Bible, that yes, we have a God that will bring justice and it will not be a joyous time for some. BUT, I think there is another way of viewing the word justice. A way that brings a connotation of hope. When justice is felt this way, it stems from looking at who is finally being treated right due to justice.

I think that when thinking about the word justice, we should think of it from both angles, with both pairs of glasses on (okay...maybe one pair but with one rosy lens and one grey one). I think that it is important to see that yes, God will bring justice, and we are his hands and feet to try to do so. But also, that God's intention for Justice is not just to just bring wrath, but to bring hope to people...the oppressed, the trampled poor, the helpless, the crushed needy, the widow, the orphan, the hungry...it is important to see and feel the word justice in both contexts.

Alright, here are my thoughts in case you didn't want to read that whole chunk.

I've taken too hard and cold a view on justice. God is a just God, and he will deal his revenge. But he will also deal justice by caring for the weak, the poor, the broken. That's not just mercy, that's justice. That's grace, undeserving grace. Most importantly, all this justice and mercy and grace- that's LOVE.

I've been pretty faraway, not doing proper QT, not praying and all. But God reminds me ever so often of his grace, with little things of His goodness. God is good. It sends me little pangs of guilt, but I guess that only serves to motivate me to draw closer to Him.

Yes, God is good.

4th July

2009-07-04T23:14:00.002+08:00

(i've been so un-in touch with dates that i only realised it was 4th July after seeing debbo's pm)

Remember this day a year ago?

And a bittersweet unrestful eve as well.

Way too much to handle, but imagine my joy when both results turned out completely unexpectedly awesome. That I didn't believe either one for really long, and had to scream to various people for a ridiculously long time before it sunk in.

[piano grade 7 and chinese O lvl orals, btw]

Scary.

Now this is gonna repeat itself.

The bad news is that both are extra important now (8 and the real Os).

The good is that I got a little bit more time and they're spaced out.

transcending infinity

Father can you hear me?

How have I let you down?

and there will be sorrow no more

- - -

[dashes are links, go see lyrics and listen.]

press on

2009-06-25T22:01:00.002+08:00

Two beautiful things came to me today; one, a letter and two, a part of someone's blog post.

They were great reminders of my purpose of living, and great encouragements indeed.

The first: the letter. Last year, 28 Dec 08, our cell/region(?) had to write a letter to ourselves regarding our New Year's Resolutions, with whatever we would/could have to say to ourselves. That is, our six-months-later selves, because our dear CM, Gaomin, would keep these for us and send them in June. This was so that if we didn't manage to keep our resolutions, at least we would have half a year more to do them. Great idea, right?

Anyway, I got the letter today. It's littered cryptically with the things only I understand, as I wrote it that way. It has the passion I held not long ago (but seems long now) for life and for God, the strive for pressing on, that pure idealistic-realistic-positivity that declared "I know I'll win this." It held it all. Everything I had, lost, and now want back again.

I realise when I write it like this here it makes it sound SO impactful and all, when it's not all that life-changing. Because when you re-write things it just doesn't turn out the same, but it helps you remember the correct version anyway. But it's for sure that this really does matter.

The encouraging lines that I said so often before and really believed, I get to hear it from myself now. And sometimes the encouragement you give yourself is the best, because you know exactly how you need to hear it. There's no need to talk to others to ask for that encouragement only to be disappointed when it just doesn't come out right. (Not that I'm vouching for antisocialness! and nor that people always disappoint, they don't! Just saying.)

"to try is to triumph" "it all has a purpose." "in everything, God's will be done." "take heart" "press on towards the goal"

[these are a few of the encouragements, I'm not gonna type the resolutions haha]

I wrote it as my predicted little wake up call, I guess it's purpose is somewhat fulfilled. :)

Man, we gotta do this again. CMs, do this with your cell, seriously. You don't even need New Year to come first! hahah OH just remember to actually send it! :D

ohyes.

Number two, the part on someone's blog post. I don't know if you'd like a mention, so whatever, I left you anonymous. But kudos to you, you're inspiring :) and hey, hang on to God for your self-worth yea? Jiayou.

Aforementioned someone wrote how someone else said that all families are dysfunctional in some way or another. Because we're so easily affected by the people closest to us, problems that seem little to the world at large become crippling and devastating to the members of the family. The dynamics and relationships are totally affected, sometimes past the point of no return. (excuse the phantom song title) [I think I might have rephrased it or changed it or something, by the way, so the parts after the first line in this paragraph is my interpretation, k?]

But because they're family, that's exactly why you can't let them go. Strangers, friends, colleagues, people that pass by and cross your life path- in some way or another they're disposable only because you weren't linked together in the first place until you came to know them. But you're stuck with your family, and even if the family roles change it doesn't change who they are to you.

So yea, the toughest stuff happens right at home for so many people. But you're still there aren't you? Press on.

I can't say much more in encouragements, it would turn quite hypocritically don't-practise-what-I-preach soon.

But remember.

Press on.

on the hot tarmac

he crawls. the cruel beating sun;

hot as a burning heart,

inflicting pain, dryly raining down

on that hot tarmac

he crawls with broken, and

bleeding hands and feet and

heart dangling on a string necklace

in front of his breast

a declaration of power and surrender

he crawls on.

nightfall-.

hey, you

2009-06-24T01:49:00.002+08:00

if you saw that post down that with a certain line you recognised and thought it referred to that, you're wrong.

that anger isn't where you think it comes from.

if i got you wrong here, whoops sorry.

haute couture

2009-06-24T01:43:00.003+08:00

It's been bugging me for sometime, why the darn banner disappeared from the facade of the National Museum.

The Christian Lacroix costumier exhibition, that is. I saw the banner and wanted to go; was strangely craving for some visual colour and oomph during the Mid Years. Then, the banner disappeared!

My curiousity burned on, but I never actually did anything about it until a few seconds ago:

the exhibition is on only until 7 June.

Well there there: MIA-ness explained.

Sigh. Looks like my little craving won't be fulfilled. hahaha.

As a side note, I really miss writing good poetry. It's been quite a while since I managed to put pen/pencil to paper / fingers to keyboard and let flow those (cryptic) words. And I really dislike writing prose, it's too logical and blatant for me.

those nights are the days

2009-06-17T22:37:00.000+08:00

and another day wastes away in anger.

seeeck.

2009-06-14T00:15:00.002+08:00

I've gone absolutely delirious!!

Apparently you can go crazy with high fevers because it starts burning up your brain cells, did you know that? But I don't have a fever (yet). Good.

-sneeze-

ahahah but I am drowsy and got a stuffy head and both a runny and blocked nose and a humongous bruise (embarrassing story woots) and an injured nerve in my arm.

Which makes for quite a retarded and tortured me now.

I realise that when I type like this on my blog (or any diary-like thing, for that matter), it's like I'm talking to myself. I don't have an audience but myself, and I write for myself, therefore I am talking to myself. Insanity!

(um, as in talking to oneself is a symptom of insanity, right?)

I should stop talking to myself in my mind, or it may actually come out audible (I'm not sure whether I'm thinking aloud or not. Thats bad.)

I miss writing good poetry; as of late my sentences have little flair and lack imagination and depth. I've been reading really good stuff though, epic poems, inspirational books/essays etc, so hopefully some of that goodness and creations of word combinations will diffuse into me.

Good music.. I always listen to good music, but my ears are tired and blocked with the whatevers of air pressure and all. I always feel like I haven't... internalised (?) all the good lyrics yet, and I want them to mean so much more to me, and to learn from them too.

All these words in poetry and song always take such a hold on me, it's one of God's way of talking to me, I think. I want Him even more directly, though. I want God to take a hold of me to make me want more of Him with a passion, to know Him even more personally. Because it's not enough, and there's got to be something more.

Wow, my words are becoming a little more lucid.

My body is shutting down now, but I don't want to sleep.

sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is

Sleep. It annoys me a little now. Because when I sleep a dreamless night, blissful leisure and time zooms by too fast, and oppressive heat bears down the next morning all too soon. Should I dream instead, time passes as it should in the dream, but I see or experience things. These things either scare me, delude me, confuse me, or something along those lines. Then every time I dream and realise in it that whatever's happening is illogical, it becomes a lucid dream.

But what could I do? Make things happen the way I want them to? Do crazy things? Fly?? Because in the end it doesn't happen anyway and I come crashing down. (hahah I think I did try flying before. I fell. I think. Pathetic.)

I read this line in Dante's Inferno just now: "But, if near the morning one dreams the truth;" (The context doesn't really matter in my point.) Basically it's just about the old belief that what you dream in the near morning at/around dawn/just before you wake is prophetic. Interesting huh? But I don't think I want those dreams of mine to come true, that's just...

Sigh. xD

What exactly is this post about? I don't know. Started it as a crazy ranting, but it morphed into some commentary on everything. Weird. (12.46 am.) Man, I miss writing in my diary that way. I could, I guess, but there's too much that prevents me. Maybe sometime.

it's power and surrender

when she gives herself away;

tears for fears

2009-06-11T01:12:00.002+08:00

(No, not the old band.)

For my fears, hurts, lost defences, and many other things, I have shed countless tears, and many more are to come.

So I wonder, what's the purpose of tears? It's a perfectly normal reaction, I know, but why?

All they do is soak your pillow so you can't sleep. (look, it's 1.49am now)

Now, are these trapped tears forcing a route out, or am I just falling sick?

suffering

2009-06-09T00:25:00.002+08:00

This is for everyone, anyone who's ever questioned why God would allow such suffering in the world. For anyone who says, "There can't be a God; or if there is, He's a cruel one." Suffering has a purpose, God puts us through it for something greater.

Found this blog post by Jon Foreman while trawling the net, but who's it from doesn't matter anyway, he's quoting some old man in a store. Read on. :D

I overheard a conversation a few years back. I was buying a greeting card in a bookstore downtown when I heard an old Morgan Freeman looking character talking to a pretty you blond girl. He had a low musical timbre from deep in his chest and his voice was clear.

"Ask a weightlifter how he got so strong, he will tell you, 'I suffered.' Ask a runner how he got so fast, he will tell you 'I suffered.' Ask my people how they got so strong, they will tell you 'we have suffered.' "

At this point I am staring blankly ahead at the greeting card, trying to take in every word without looking like I'm eavesdropping. The older gentleman continued talking, "Suffering is vital to growth. For the best fruit you must cut branches off of a tree. To build muscles you must break them down. Sure, this is painful but needed. And yet we fear pain, we run from it. Do not run from suffering," he said, "Do not run from pain. Every great civilization that runs from suffering has begun it's demise. Look as far back as you want: Babylon, Greece, Rome, or the British Empire, you'll find that the reason for every great civilizations demise is rooted in it's attempt to cheat pain."

"And now," he said, "If we're not careful we will follow quickly down in our self-absorbed disregard towards suffering. We ignore the suffering on the street when we're in line for an over priced coffee. We ignore the suffering overseas for a cheap pair of sneakers. We try to cheat suffering with technology, with medicine, with economic bandages. But greatness does not come from ignorance of pain. Greatness comes from wrestling with pain, wresting with the injustices of the world. You cannot cheat death. Suffering will find you. Pain will find you. Death will find you. Do not run from suffering, how else could character form?"

"Yes, suffering forms character, suffering forms patience, suffering forms perseverance, joy, grace- all these beautiful parts of a human soul that cannot come into being any other way in this life. No, no- you see suffering is not the enemy. Sure it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes. But so does giving birth. So does playing football. So does growing up. In this life, my friend, do not run from suffering. You'll be running from yourself."

...and when you run from yourself, you also run from God.

Take courage, friends, and face up to what you have to. No fear.

don't fall down, my concrete girl
burn like a fire despite these rains

learning how to die

2009-06-04T23:19:00.001+08:00

"It takes the whole of life to learn how to live, and—what will perhaps make you wonder more—it takes the whole of life to learn how to die."

Lucius Annaeus Seneca
On the Shortness of Life
translated by John W. Basore, Loeb Classical Library
London: William Heinemann, 1932

http://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html

thank you, Lord

2009-06-04T20:42:00.004+08:00

Thank you, Lord.

For (Your) love. For family. For friends. For opportunities and chances. And with those, mercies and grace. For guidance, a light nudging in the right direction. And with that, comfort and strength. For coincidences, or maybe not. For blessings, for all these are blessings indeed.

For so much, of which I am worth so little.

Or even, not little enough.

Perhaps, not transparent enough.

For people to see through me, to see you, hopefully. That Your light may shine brighter, not covered by the poor shadows of my existence, my actions. For the right people, whom You place in my life, to see me as I am and change me to be better each step of the way.

Because I really do need to be better.

Sometimes I truly disgust myself. I'm hypocritically everything I hate. I haven't been enough in my role as a daughter at all. I'd like to think I'm trying now, but change is difficult and I'm naturally stubborn.

"For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." -Romans 7:22-25

Conflict, conflict.

I was too proud every step of the way to acknowledge some kind of inadequacy in me and the horrible actions I took. Now when I look back, I look back through tear-blurred eyes at myself. (Retrospect is always 20/20.) It's almost too hard to face most of the time, when I think of the hurt I've caused, whether unwittingly or even purpose(ful)ly, and what little I have ever done in contrast (rather, compensation even, thats how sad it is).

...what do I do now?

I think I know what to do.

It's just hard, isn't it?

/edit: It's a part of life, I know. There's more to come, it's not over yet. Thank you, Lord, even for this. Because at the end of the storm theres better calm than before.

darling

2009-06-04T00:03:00.001+08:00

cheer up!

hahha talk to me when you pms.

moodiness. and bad language that goes along with it. is bad.

you are my sunshine

2009-05-31T17:39:00.002+08:00

hahahha I just HAD to put that title, for one of the wonderful sunshines in my life:

GABBY (lee). (buddy.)

My dearest sweet buddy, who's in P5 now but still remembers me. Who gives me random gifts. Who talks to me ever so often asking "how are you" and other simple niceties. Who gives me the cutest hugs ever. Probably the only innocence-unlost person I know. hah. xD

still.

<3
<3
<3

annoyances

2009-05-28T23:20:00.002+08:00

For this post I shall revert a little to one of those typical rants of people I said I would never be. You know, one of those normal people who spend their time blogging about their day's grievances and spews rants of verbiage incessantly about them in terms like OMGOMG. LIKE OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED etc.

Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just find it kinda annoying.

Incidentally, this whole post is about Annoyances. Yes, with a capital A.

I am annoyed.

At many many different, totally unrelated things. Just to make clear, telling them as it is in detail would wreck havoc, so I shall exercise a little restraint.

Firstly, the injustice. I feel totally indebted to the whole system in so many ways. Those two things. Grr.
1) Thing number one. Please, I was in the place before anyone else; my name was put down, I was told when I was in SEC ONE, for goodness' sake. Does that not show something?
2) The system is really horrible. Because I was a SLAVE (sorry, this part should come under both things.) for it and got nothing in the end.
3) Thing number two. Assumptions, assumptions, that cause severe injustice. That affects me. Because now, it's unseen. Though I'm pretty sure it was very visible to begin with. Who made it mean nothing?
I don't want more. It's just... I am not undeserving of all that, so just give me what I'm due, won't you?

Ironically I can get more for five minutes than for 4 years of effort.

I was reading some article in the papers; Mind Your Body, I think; it mentioned something about bitter people having the equivalent to post-trauma syndrome, because they feel so angry yet helpless, and therefore greatly injusticed. Ooh, applicable. HAHA alright, it was pretty interesting to read about. But don't worry, I'm not about to grab a knife anytime. (murderous glare attempt fail)

Somebody remarked awhile ago, that I may feel and react more strongly about certain things because I have a stronger sense of justice. Which made me think about the duality of justice and mercy. Do they juxtapose with each other? Are they mutually exclusive, such that you have to find a balance between the two rather than building both up? So I prayed awhile, talked to God. And (I think) He told me, that I was forgetting mercy. They don't cancel each other out, even though they sometimes may appear to. I simply was forgetting, and thus losing one of them.

So I tried, to put mercy back into the picture. That was alright for some other thing that happened, because it was the right thing to do. But now I'm asking, what happens when the injustice cuts you a little closer? And the thing doing the wrong isn't all that wrong? Who or what do you give mercy to? I'm confused. I think my thoughts are wrong somewhere.

Secondly, people. Well, I never used to get annoyed at people much at all. I always found a way to just leave them to their own devices or get past their annoying traits. But now that I am annoyed at some people.. Eurgh, I annoy myself! hahah. I guess the reason why I'm annoyed at some people now, is that there are reasons other than annoying traits.

(I just realised how horrible the above paragraph was with the overuse of "annoying." Whoops.)

Anyway.
1) You know nothing about me, stop pretending like you do. You have no right to comment like that.
2) I don't really know what jealousy feels like, because there was never a reason to be really jealous (that illogical one at that very nice person doesn't count, no basis.). But I think somehow it's sparking with you. I'm affected by your actions, can't you see?
3) Sticky situation, aren't you? Your stupid remnants and people are doing the clinging on for me, I'm not. Fall away, you pathetic ashes.
4) You kinda suck, but HAHA I can't believe I love you too much to ever get overly annoyed with you, but I am a little now.
5) Stopstopstop. I'm really tired of it, I told you I was going to do way better, but please will you too?

Thirdly, stressful situations. DSA. DSA. People are telling me not to bother because I can (probably) get into the school(s) of my choice. But hey, I'm a -little- kiasu, I'm willing to sacrifice choice of CCA for the school (I still love choir), and I know very well that there's a chance that I could screw up my Os if I go totally insane. I could fall gravely ill in the middle of the exam and be forced to take it. I could stare at the paper and freak out and hand it back in blank. I could burnout before all that drama even begins. Ohcrap, see why?

No! I am not being paranoid! ...because I really really could.

So now. I have to figure out my two portfolios, both of which have their different limitations. I have to make my results look darn stellar. I've to rack my brains to remember what I've done. I've to dig up all my certs and figure them out, while not mixing in those not applicable. I've to photocopy everything and certify them as true. I've to figure and chase people/schools for certain important details to craft my applications. I've to re-talk to teachers for referrals. I've to write my personal statement and get it vetted. I've to go for choir auditions on 3 June, which is too soon and I still can't sing that well yet after the exam break (oxymoron-). I've to check for other auditions. And actually pick my school of choice. Shoot.

And yet, I waste my hours away trying to forget what looms ahead.

Fourthly, myself.

Flipping through my certs and stuff since young just now, I got annoyed at myself, for giving up then, letting life drag me down. Evident, I think, in the ended streak. It's not that I want to be the overachiever all the way, I just want to live up to myself and God, to everything I am capable of.

I annoy myself, sometimes for no reason at all; sometimes I just can't stand myself. A while ago, I couldn't recognise myself in the mirror. I would look, and see a familiar girl staring back, with questioning eyes but their glassy surfaces blocking everything behind them. But that was not me.

And I turn my head to the right, and look at my reflection in the night's window. It's no different. Or maybe just a little, only a little.

I miss love that let me see me for who I am, beauty, flaws, and all.

Do you sometimes get sick of autonomy? Everything that goes wrong is your fault; cause and effect. Everything you want you can create with a strong enough will (okay, to a certain extent). But you hold so much responsibility for yourself, and it's always tiring. To do these things with a million repercussions, to fight everyday just to keep your head above the water, to do the right things, even just the simplest things.

...but hey remember, we don't actually have all that autonomy. God is in control of our lives, always.

I like Gi's prayer bear a lot. It says this:

"Please give me what I ask, dear Lord,
If You'd be glad about it.

But if You think it's not for me,
Please help me do without it.

The Lord listens...
...when I pray to Him."

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps” -Proverbs 16:9. So yea, we have free will to decide what to want, think, believe. But God works in all ways according to His plans, He has our autonomy. And aren't we glad for that?

In a many dark hour, well, I’ve thought about this:
That Jesus, the Christ, was betrayed by a kiss.
Oh, but I can't think for ya, you'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot had God on his side.

missing (2)

2009-05-21T01:04:00.002+08:00

And aside from whatever's below, I really miss certain people now.

Options:
time doesnt exist.
time passes too fast
time will pass in time

but it nevers picks the correct one, does it?
that one that we want.

I'm still not free, in every sense of the word.

I want my guardian owl back.

missing

2009-05-20T23:44:00.003+08:00

Last year on my holiday in Europe I had Leave Out All The Rest on repeat.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

I'm missing now.

All my defenses are gone, and I don't know where I stand, nor do I know where I am.

I barely know who I am.

(They know, they know, they know everything.)

What I previously thought hid me are gone, and I clutch desperately at fragments or new creations, themselves shadows reminiscient of the old versions, but I think they're different. They are.

Duality sickens me now. Change, goodbyes and heys; lose so much and win something you wanted all your life (or not?); walk until your feet bleed, and leave the pain behind; "Drink- to remember". When it goes it both ways I can't think, I can't react. Is it good? Bad? Do I give thanks? I always do, I try, but am I supposed to be sad? Optimistic in spite of? What?

So now I think I'm trying to forget, to get something better; but this will haunt me all my life, it always has. "it" being less specific than you think, by the way.

I say I think I'm trying to forget, because I'm not sure. I'm not sure if this is forgetting, or a temporial numbness, before the whatevernots rush in. Ouch.

And I can't recognise myself in the mirror anymore.

It's also been sometime since I looked; but when I did, I don't like that person I see.

time will come to pass;
take heart and be strong
for such a time as this.

let that be enough

2009-05-18T18:40:00.002+08:00

What can be enough to fill our thirsty hearts? We will always want more and more, never finding satisfaction in anything; or if there is, its always transient. Nothing.

Except God's love.

Why do we take it so lightly sometimes? That we draw away, we forget, we put it aside like something you can easily pick up again later. Love, God's love, is worth way more than that.

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
and let that be enough.

I want God's love to be enough for me; that fills me and empowers me so much that all else fades in comparison to the light of His glory. I know it is, but more than in the head, I want it to be in my heart, to have it etched right on my soul. I want it to be so much to me, that I don't seek for more to fill the rest of the emptiness up in the material world.

And God, I want to return that love.

To love you with everything I am all the days of my life (because I simply have not been doing that); you are deserving of all.

What will God mean to you?
How much is He worthy of?

Give him what he's due, no less.

if today was your last day

2009-05-12T23:38:00.003+08:00

I was about to go take my shower just now, and my mom was listening to the radio so I listened for a while and heard this song.

The title caught my attention; the song says much about value of things in life and life itself. Also for those few minutes the heavy guitar of it drowned out the noise in my mind, and that was rather soothing, even if only for a while.

If Today Was Your Last Day - Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

nice?

friends

2009-05-10T00:01:00.002+08:00

I'm in the middle of exams, and it's easy to forget the people around you, to just shut off and hole up in your own world to mug for the sake of it.

But I'd like to think about my dear friends that God has blessed me with, and they are wonderful. In all times, good or bad; especially in times of stress we learn to appreciate them even more, and it gives us that chance to grow together despite less talking.

This doesn't exclude anyone purposefully; the likelihood that you mean a lot to me is actually pretty high (okay, depending on who you are) even though you're not in this post; this post just has the people who are currently on my mind.

My two always-there dears, my jies. Leican, Feli. Loveloves, you know how much you mean to me. No need to elaborate further, or it could be pretty long. (HAHA this will actually be the shortest! lol)

Liz; we don't talk as much or whatever, but it's only natural, maybe. Thank you for the sweet message and notes and everything through all the years we've been through together. I'm not sure if I ever got the chance to thank you properly before. (eh, birthday notes sound too rehearsed! oh, the typical things we say. HAHA) Your last two blog posts (?) are very encouraging and refreshing, in the midst of the melancholy that so many people (including myself) spew. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Miss you; love you loads and loads <3

Joel Tang; HAHA are you on my mind just because we played badminton/bball today? Nahh it doesn't matter. Anyway thanks for being my random cheer-me-up-make-me-laugh person, always. Love you loads; you've meant a lot to me through all these years. (Ehh can our deal please not involve vast amounts of money! And please don't go crazy with it, I still value my life, thanks. hahaha) Logical hangout plan please. Lovestory/Viva La Vida ,I'll figure the piano out HAHA!

Joong Yan; (the next thing I say will sound totally out of whack coz I'm about 5 months late) Thank you for everything you were to me during Rhema (08). I never really thanked you properly for it, but you were an awesome pillar of strength then, when I was going absolutely crazy. Your hugs and understanding made my hours in the 3 days beautiful :) Also during random weeks in church that I go crazy, you're always there to be helpful and supportive. I'm really sorry that I never really talk to you, or you to me, despite our near-weekly hugs. I promise I will! Polaroid!

My classmates, more specifically Suatty, Sam, Amanda, Yu. For, er, tolerating my crazy outbursts. Which I have way too much of. Zomg I think you guys are the most tortured of everyone, probably. I've gone from screaming to crying to laughing my head off to forcing you to join me at the playground (and screaming again). Wowww. And admittedly I'm really not doing much/anything in return, not that friendships are give and take. You guys deserve much more love, I know I'm not doing enough. But I love you guys loads, don't doubt that. I'm never afraid with you all. <3

That's it for now, I guess.

Then there's not-so-much-love notes. These people I can't name for various reasons, which will presumably kinda become evident below (you wouldn't want your name there would you. hopefully you will realise its addressed to you, should you see this.)

Sigh..?

You; what's with you now? Did you change or were you like this to begin with all the while? (I could get paranoid and think that it's just some sort of ploy to drive me far away but then again I well acknowledge the existence of my over-active imagination.) There's way too much, or maybe too little, that I wish to say. I think you know very well, that you would not feel this way now, only if things didn't change the way it did. So don't repeat your damn mistake, it wasn't a mistake to begin with. If it was why did you do it in the start? You and I both know why. Heck, I don't care now. Just stop being what you are now, despicable creature.

And you; where are you now? I'm not the only one you're shutting off, I think (and hopefully). I'm trying so darn hard to keep you within reach, but you're just running away everytime. Technology doesn't bridge gaps, you're using it to close us off. Not that we can in the first place, look at what you can do even to the people nearer to you. You turn your face away; isn't your neck getting a cramp? Turn your face the other way, so at least we'll get a glimpse of your front. Be it false or not. It's so easy to give up on you; I'm not there yet (otherwise I wouldn't post this) but I'm nearing the edge. Don't push me over please.

I'm not all that sure if I want two of you to recognise that it's addressed to you in here, but I guess it has its benefits of communicating the rather strong messages. Then again, to the first, I don't know if you still come here, if you even dare. To the second, I wonder if you ever did, or if you ever cared (I'm probably just another passing face).

To others who may recognise who these to two things are addressed to; don't need to do anything about it please. Just do your own part in their lives.

Now allow me to revert to the happy-love mode? hahaha

My family <3
Mom, Dad. It's been a damn rough and crazy time all this while, and I've done the bare minimums of my role as a daughter. Though I've been trying, it's just been hard but that's no excuse. So I'm trying harder now and I'm learning the best I can. There's still much pain, but we're a family, what reason could possibly be enough to let dissension exist like that? I'm on my way.

And hey, Mom, Happy Mother's Day. I love you. that's it.

Mama (Grandma); I'm doing absolutely nothing, and the day that I will regret is drawing closer. For the record, I love you.

<3

joy and strength

2009-05-04T23:44:00.001+08:00

...The joy of the Lord is our strength.
Nehemiah 8:10

<3

forgotten

2009-05-04T22:09:00.003+08:00

The words I spoke, etched in your memory;
a beach where the tide comes
by dusk, to wash it away. Or like the rain
which we spoke of, once, twice, long ago;
its droplets breaking apart into smaller ones
til they are no more.

Until you feel them on the skin of your face,
blending, blending. Tumbling to the ground
to meet the puddles of pain and regret.

For my blood runs black now, with all
that remains hidden, are they safe with you?
They surface, as black as those puddles
on the night pavement.

but I remember that they
are no more.

follow it through

2009-04-28T00:00:00.004+08:00

We've got the rest of our lives to regret.
All the words that were said here tonight but I'll bet,
That the morning, In the morning we'll find us in bloom

We will rise with the wings of the dawn
When everything's new
When everything's new

Let us rise up with the summer sun
Let these songs awaken the dawn
Let us beathe every breath
like a breath to be kept
Let us breathe it all in till it's gone

We've got the rest of our lives to live out
All these dreams we stay up tonight talking about
In the morning, start hoping, to not be too soon

Because everything's waiting. For us to take it on; not alone, but we're led forward step by step, even when we fear so much that we shut our eyelids tight, preferring the darkness to the kaleidoscopic confusion. We're led forward, feeling a light tug on our hand, a gentle push on our weary shoulders, an uplifting of our weary souls.

I said, please, don't talk about the end
Don't talk about how every living thing goes away
She said, friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really I've been learning how to die
I've been learning how to die

Still learning.

<3

The Lord listens...
...when I pray to Him;

He makes me rest in fields of green, by quiet streams;
Psalm 23:2

deleted

2009-04-23T00:58:00.006+08:00

Please scroll to the next post. This one really doesn't matter that much.

Just a little realization when digging through a little of your past.
You took that away. Deleted?
I can guess why; I know you too well.
Shame. Pain. Care for others.
Because of the content?
Or that line.
Maybe not that line, why would you edit something so far back?
Or maybe you would.
Ha, yea, I would.

I just wanted to remember what was in there; it mattered to me.

Don't run away, you're so much more than you think.

/edit: oh, i remembered the deletion wasnt all that recent. so. :/
(eh. that shows what a stalker i am! k nvm.)

a sound that remains forever

2009-04-22T23:18:00.004+08:00

to lose count of time
where every second lasts
longer than it should
except when sleep takes over

sleep; fitful sleep,
where dreams are like
faces recognised in the crowd
with peeps from behind a curtain

deep red, heavily weighted
both the curtains and our hearts
and tightly clenched hands,
desperately wanting-

we smooth down our gowns
before stepping out onstage
to take our final bows
the night is long and spent

the spotlights hinder seeking gazes
and i long to hear-

"encore."

goodnight.

not all that glitters is gold

microanalysing

2009-04-20T22:46:00.002+08:00

I find myself using little frivolous topics to test the waters, racking my brains to think of them. I find myself waking up and listening for certain things, looking out so intently at your expressions. I think and I analyze, hoping, hoping, just hoping.

security

2009-04-15T20:45:00.002+08:00

where am i safe? and where
do i feel safe? they are different questions.

existentialist, if you will. ask,
what am i?

memories, thoughts, past;
privacy breached, gone, invaded.

where can i dump them again
where, where will i be safe again?

though i was never safe to begin with
was i?

come define me.
i am safe in your arms
only.

One day I'm going to find myself all alone and old, hoarding all my money and secrets. And my friends are going to be all smiles and questioning eyebrows raised. ...and I wont have a petrol station!!

or maybe not. :D

inapt

2009-04-13T21:18:00.003+08:00

I couldn't really think of a title for this post? No apt word came to mind, so-.

um.

(I'm at a loss for words.)

Okay.

I can handle tough situations, but erratic mood swings? Ficklemindedness? Irresponsibility? Ego? No thanks. I don't know what's the real final thought/decision. (Well, alright maybe I do, but with all the words thrown around its easy to get confused.)

I'll hear God's words on it first; it's what matters most.

And I hope you learn that, practice what you preach, or its all just empty words.

I'll talk to you soon, my friend. There's a lot I want to say, I still care :)

And out to everyone;
I'm fine!
stronger than this;

<3

Easter

2009-04-12T17:43:00.002+08:00

Give thanks, for JESUS is alive! :)

He is risen and living in us;
his joy will be my joy and strength.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T15:52:00.002+08:00

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:8

It's Good Friday :D

i could sing of your love forever

limelight

2009-04-08T20:52:00.004+08:00

Limelight is over.
Its all over and done.

Thank you God. For everything. Your hand to guide and lead us through, your words of comfort and support, your limitless strength, your provision, your grace, your blessings, your everlasting love. Everything you are, Lord.

Thank you my choir people- Liz, Gab, Chris, Vi, Aly, Tiff, Sherri and the rest of the choir (obviously I can't name you all), for doing this near-impossible feat with so much courage. I'm proud of you all, and to my friends, this marks the end (okay, there's SYF so almost the end). Thank you for this entire journey together; all the laughter and tears, you all are so precious to me. <3

Thank you my friends who came to support us- Feli, David, Leican, Daniel, Josiah, Joong Yan, Elizabeth, Isabella, Charlene, Grace, SENIORS (must I name you all? HAHA), Joel, Suatty, Yuting, Deborah, Maddy, Gabby, and the friends and family you all dragged along. I know some (or most) of you took so much effort just to come down on a Tuesday night, and I appreciate it soso much. Thanking you all personally is a little hard, so my thanks is here ~~(oh, who's gonna see it?)~~. (A few exceptions, my loves! haha. ^^) <3 (er, sincerest apologies if I forget anyone's name? tell me please. and i still love you!)

Thank you Mom and Dad :D:D Though I know you're totally obliged to come for this, I'm so thankful and glad that you really do want to support me. Haha all the little observations and comments are very interesting too. Thanks for all your love; I love you. <3

So everyday starts with a magic spark
I've got my hopes high with a second start
We are miracles, every breath is magic
So you give yourself away, with your miracle heart
Yeah, just to be alive is a magic art
We are miracles, every breath is magic

Belief over misery,
I've seen the enemy,
And I won't go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I've got my eyes wide, it's not over yet
We are miracles, and we're not alone...

grr

2009-04-01T23:20:00.001+08:00

dammit, i dont want to deal with YOUR selfish little problems. it's your own fault it turned out like this. and you know it.

per favore?

2009-03-31T21:53:00.007+08:00

I have all this work and duties. Which actually I'm dealing with fine. I'm not sure how I'll really be when the time to start mugging for mid-years comes (which is really soon, as I want to spend April mugging). Yes, tomorrow is 1st April already. Incidentally, the concert is in 7 days. SYF is on 22nd April. Which is 14 days before mid-years.

I really don't want to care about it already.

I'll handle my part. Can the rest please handle theirs? Please and thank you.

Aside from all the stuff I mentioned above, there's all these little miscellaneous things that I would like to help people do. The problem is, they're not done with much ease, you know? I have to devise some sort of backdoor method, or contact some people, or hope for opportunities to fall into my lap. Or a mixture of all that. Throw in a dash of luck and a load of prayer.

Why am I doing these things in the first place?
Is it worth it?
I hope so.

I'd like to mention that it isn't just simple things. Some of these concern their relationships (past, present, future), their future (education system phase eligibility), their sanity (dammit, mine too) etc.

You know I have no darn obligation to do these things?

I'm still willing to, for you.

Gah, then why am I even complaining?

Alright, maybe I'm not really complaining. Just.. attempting to state the reality of the situation to myself? It's hard, so if you're gonna do it, it's just all or nothing./

Relapsing into talking-to-myself-mode.

It's okay I'm still happy :)

but i want to take away that slash in your heart.
and i want you to live life to the fullest. happily.

:)

la vita e bella

2009-03-29T00:30:00.004+08:00

Life is beautiful. <3

La Notte e Bella

The night is a silent blanket o'er the world
its children fast asleep
one, and another, stirs in bed
before yawning and slipping
back into a sweet dreamland.
Young lovers grasp hands under
its dark cushioning; with
heavily lidded eyes, they hope
to create more time before
succumbing to sleep.
Nine to fivers scramble to
use the black night as a
painting canvas- to do more, more
with their lives.
All the people have their time
under the moon, peace and pain and more

But in the end
the night is simply Beautiful.

for feli jie

2009-03-11T00:31:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday Feli! <3

bothering

2009-03-07T21:40:00.002+08:00

A lot of things are achieved by a lot of effort, but those things aren't necessarily much in themselves.

Is it worth it?

Why do we even bother trying and ~~wasting~~ putting in effort for some things?

Well, some are definitely worth it. :D

<3 lovefest!

Nicole loves Feli loads and loads and loads. <3

Nicole says Happy Birthday David. <3

<3

selfishness

2009-02-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

Am I being selfish by doing that? Maybe I am. If I think that I don't want to be a liability or restriction to you, but instead do (or don't do) something that would satisfy my wants now. Thus I am selfish.

But then again I may not be because my wants may simply be aligned with yours. Ah, that I hope.

home;

2009-02-12T23:43:00.001+08:00

ooh. suddenly Nicole misses sin^2 x.

HAHA feel honoured for this mention, really.

I couldnt resist the math, it was just too cheesily funny. Kudos. :D

work

2009-02-12T22:12:00.002+08:00

I really better start.

and hope not to screw up SS. Again.

...
..
.

unphotographable

2009-02-10T23:35:00.002+08:00

I've sat here for about 2 hours being relatively unproductive. Oh no.

But it's okay I don't have much to do today.

Sigh.

...

On the micro side, I just feel kinda lazy and mildly unmotivated. But it's not cripplingly bad. It'll be different again tomorrow.

Weeks are my years.

Let's talk a little more macro. I shall be forward thinking and get myself stressed over things that I don't necessarily have to stress about yet. Because as weird as that sounds, it may actually make me feel less stressed. You know, how you get stressed about your own not-being-stressed-ness/apathy? I'm preventing that from happening. Hahah. And it'll work, I'm sure :D

I have this tendency to listen to Jon Foreman again and again. Note that this is different from over and over (like when you discover some nice new song); its that I periodically go back to those songs that remind me of God's goodness. They make me so happily assured. :)

House of God, Forever
God is my shepherd
I wont be wanting
He makes me rest in fields of green
with quiet streams

Your Love is Strong
I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow
and stare at the flowers
better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why should I worry
why do I freak out
God knows what I need
You know what I need
...two things you told me
that You are strong and
You love me
yes, You love me.

I want more time.
More time with God, more time with people, more time for myself too.
Time falls away but these small hours still remain

Stay timeless.
:)

nil

2009-01-30T00:00:00.001+08:00

It's 12 am.

Save for one busy person
and one currently-not-replying person
and God
and the water running behind me

I am completely and utterly alone.

I’ve done 80 out of the 132 stupid things.

2009-01-28T20:31:00.003+08:00

I'm doing one of the stupid internet quizzes again. From deborah, because it was just rather amusing. One of the few amusing things today. (Well one amusing and stupid thing today was throwing a mandarin orange around the LT1. It ended up being thrown really far, hitting my hand, and spurting out some citric acid. I'm trying to convince myself that it's not orange juice and therefore won't attract ants.)

I wonder why I'm doing this though; it's telling some of what I've done in a nutshell, and I'm not sure I particularly enjoy that. But whatever, I know this poor blog has few visitors, and either you're my (close enough) friend and I don't care that you know certain things about me, or you're some totally random stranger who doesn't know me anyway. Either way I don't care.

Do this and repost it with the title:
I’ve done — out of the 132 stupid things.

Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( ) Been Dumped
( ) Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 4

Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 7

Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
(x) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 10

Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
( ) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 12

Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers (Tylenol counts)
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 16

Level 8
( ) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
( ) Gone mudding (offroading)
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19

Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sledging
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 23

Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 25

Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Been cheated on
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 28

Level 12
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended From School
( ) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 30

Level 13
( ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 32

Level 14
( ) Hated The Way You Look
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes

SO FAR: 35

Level 15
( ) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
(x) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 39

Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
( ) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 43

Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn’t
(x) Made a Prank Phone Call
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
( ) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 46

Level 18
( ) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 49

Level 19
(x) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 52

Level 20
( ) Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge
(x) Screamed “Penis” or “Vagina”
( ) Swam With Dolphins..

SO FAR: 54

Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex’s Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 57

Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 59

Level 24
( ) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 62

Level 25
( ) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
( ) Gone Streaking
( ) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 62

Level 26
( ) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger
( ) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 65

Level 27
( ) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one
( ) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 68

Level 28
( ) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone’s Name
(x) French Braided Someones Hair
( ) Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x)Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 73

Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
( ) Had A Cavity
( ) Black-Mailed Someone
(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 76

Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 80

Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain
( ) Flattened someones tires
( ) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on
( ) Got five dollars or less worth of gas

TOTAL: 80

Done a stupid internet quiz. Check.

Today sucks. I think I rationalise my doing of this meme as something to perk up my day, or what's left of it. Well, alright fine. The running, orange throwing and dinner today were the good stuff.

I realise when I state what's the good stuff it implies that all the rest is the bad stuff.

And that I shouldn't have said that if I didn't want to point it out.

And that there's always the backspace button.

And that according to my second paragraph in this post, it doesn't matter anyway.

flow

2009-01-27T15:46:00.004+08:00

Perhaps this whole ranting randomly here will help me get rid of that little writer's block I have. I don't usually get writer's block you know? It's just that sometimes I censor myself, or I'm so guarded that I refuse to write about certain things. And now typing isn't going very well. I don't know why but the words just aren't flowing smoothly.

There's the Commonwealth Essay. I need a nice vague topic and a plot to fit it; but it isn't really working in my mind. I have rewritten a few paragraphs over and over. But all they do is sound nice and look nice. But they're like an appetizer in a high end restaurant, before you're told that the main course and dessert won't come simply because the chef refuses to cook.

Word limits suck. In general. But the problem right now is that I'm utterly uninspired to write something that would pass for a Commonwealth Essay, so I'm not even close to bothering about the stupid word limits that were previously oh-so-restrictive.

I think it has something to do with a movie mindset. Plots that are pathetically attempting to form in my head have a kind of cinematography associated with it. I've watched... about 5 movies in the past week. Perhaps that is why. Anyway, back to the whole movie-mindset thing. It's disturbing; I could probably describe all the scenes and all, but it isn't forming into anything remotely conclusive or substantial.

Alright, let's pitch out some ideas, shall we?

The Match:

A pyromaniac discovers the joys of fire that's ignited by this one match. The Match. Think F451. Except that instead of censoring the nation, he's trying to destroy his past in that clean fashion.

Tracks:

Train tracks. I can smell the metal and ash of gravel coming from them, and feel the heat from the friction of the ancient train's wheels grinding against them. It's one of the few things I can feel when just standing here on the platform, despite everyone around me. And just as everything whooshes past, I want to join the fast pace and disappear into the distance.

The Long Way Home...:

A man does everything in his power, no matter how long it takes, to convert his estranged, atheist and dying father. (hats off to deb here)

Okay. Look. I got a little bit inspired. Tracks?

Maybe.